These Arms Of Mine
by ElIzabeth-81
Summary: Re-posting this story for those who are interested. It's an AU story in which Jane and Maura meet at university.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi there, so it's come to my attention that I pulled this fic while people were either reading it or hoping to re-read it. I did it kind of without thinking to be honest, it hadn't occurred to me that people might be still interested in it, so I'm posting it back up in the interest of not being a dick. I know what it's like to be frustrated with a TV show and want to read fanfic to fill the gap, and although I have abandoned Rizzoli and Isles for reasons I won't get into, I'm stoked if people like this._

_I'll do it in batches when I get time and a lot of the original author's notes will probably be there cos I am far too lazy to remove them all. Oh and the page breaks – I'm probably not going to fix those either. You have been given fair warning ;)_

_Thanks to the people that messaged me about this – I'm actually really flattered that people care about my lil fic. xo_

**Chapter One**

Jane rubbed her fingers over her eyes, blearily sipping from a mug of black coffee while her mother cooked breakfast. Every now and then she would slide a pan full of fluffy-looking scrambled eggs onto one of Jane's brother's plates but Jane waved her away. The smell of food was making her queasy.

"You know, you really shouldn't drink so much. I don't care if you're at college and that's what everyone else is doing. What do you think the coach would say, if she knew what you've been up to?" Her mother was tapping her fingers on the table next to Jane for emphasis, and it was only making the pounding in her head more intense.

"The coach would mind her own business," Jane lied. "Ma, I'm 22 years old, if I want to have a few beers with my friends after a game I don't see the problem."

"A few beers? You were wasted, I heard you stumbling past my room," Frankie said through a mouthful of toast.

Jane glowered at him across the table. "Really? And which young lady were you entertaining at the time, in your room?"

"Oh don't be ridiculous Jane, Frankie knows he's not allowed to have girls over, don't you honey?" Angela said as she heaped a second helping of bacon in front of Frankie.

Frankie waited until she'd gone back over to the stove, then leaned over to whisper towards Jane. "You wanna go there? Maybe I'll tell mom about the girls _you've_ been entertaining in _your_ room!"

"What?" Tommy, who had until now been oblivious to the conversation, had paused with his fork in mid-air.

"Nothing, Frankie's just being a dick," Jane said with a warning look towards Frankie, who was laughing and stuffing his face. She let out a frustrated groan and pushed herself back from the table. "Okay, that's enough family time to last me a week. I gotta get to class."

"Wait honey, I made your lunch," Angela called out as Jane was nearing the door.

Jane rolled her eyes but turned and smiled towards her mom, taking the brown bag and kissing her gratefully on the cheek. "Thanks, I'll see you later."

"You smell like a brewery. And watch your language, you think I didn't hear that?"

Jane managed to make it through all of the day's classes without throwing up or falling asleep, and for that she was grateful. She'd gone out with her best friend Lauren the night before, along with a few of the others, for a night of heavy drinking at one of the campus bars. They'd won a big game and it was their tradition to have a few beers with the team afterwards. Unfortunately she and Lauren had continued the party into the early hours of the morning and they'd definitely taken it to the next level. They were bad influences on one another, that was for sure.

She'd met Lauren when they'd both been freshmen and rookies on the basketball team. It was hard to believe the fact that graduation was not far away now, and Jane didn't know how she would have made it through the last four years without Lauren's support. Sometimes it felt like Lauren was the only person who really knew her. When they met she'd never told anyone that she were gay; nor had Lauren told anyone about herself – but they'd recognised one another instantly. Lauren was not unlike her, she was tall and athletic. In contrast to her own dark features, Lauren had light brown hair and pale Irish skin. They'd been friends from the start and over the years they'd become more like sisters.

Jane went directly to Lauren's dorm room after class. Seeing as it was an economic necessity for Jane to live at home, Lauren's room had always been a valuable connection to the campus. There were times when she'd practically lived on Lauren's floor, and it was customary for her to check in before she went home even if they didn't have any plans.

Lauren opened the door and pulled Jane into the room, looking breathless and rushed. "Oh good, you're here. Maura just called, she's coming over in like half an hour. I thought we could take her out to grab dinner somewhere, show her around to some of our favourite places," Lauren said as she was pulling on her shoes and socks.

"God, how are you so energetic?" Jane said, stepping over her friend and then flopping down onto Lauren's bed. "You have a hollow leg or something, you drank even more than I did."

"I blew off class, I've been asleep all day. So what do you think?" Lauren said expectantly.

"Wait, who are you talking about? Who's coming over? I'm sorry but I'm going home. To bed," Jane said emphatically.

"Jane, you promised," Lauren reminded her.

"When did I promise? I swear, I have no idea what you're talking about. Is this some random hook- up from last night? Because I'm not interested in playing third wheel."

Lauren had come over to her and was pulling on Jane's hand, because Jane had her eyes closed and was looking dangerously close to falling asleep. "I told you about this last night! Maura is a girl I went to boarding school with, she e-mailed me yesterday out of the blue and told me she'd enrolled here. She's moving back over from Europe?" Jane tried to pull her arm back, but Lauren kept tugging on it for emphasis.

"Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just going to sit this one out if you don't mind," Jane said. She could now dimly remember Lauren going on about this girl the night before while they'd been drinking, saying how she was supposedly super-smart and really pretty, blah blah blah. She couldn't remember Lauren ever talking about this Maura chick before, so they couldn't have been the closest of friends. It shouldn't be too much of a big deal if she cancelled.

"Don't flake out on me," Lauren commanded, giving her hand another almighty pull.

Jane sat up relucantly. "God, I'm up. What kind of name is that . . . More-ah? Sounds like whore-ah. I hope she's not a chore-ah," she laughed.

"Shut up plain Jane," Lauren teased back, just as a knock sounded on the door. "Damn, she's early."

Lauren went over to the door to greet her friend. Jane's view was blocked by Lauren but she gathered that there was some air-kissing and shrieking happening. When Lauren stepped aside Jane saw her - a very beautiful honey blonde woman who was dressed to the nines. Jane looked down at her hoodie and jeans feeling suddenly underdressed, or at least as though Maura was very overdressed. Maura was wearing a shirt and jeans but she'd teamed them with an expensive-looking tailored blazer, heels and handbag. Even from where Jane was sitting she could pick up the scent of what she imagined must be designer perfume and shampoo.

"Hello, I'm Maura," she said after noticing Jane's presence, walking towards her and holding her hand out. Jane stood up and shook it, introducing herself. Although Jane preferred to think that she didn't feel intimidated by anyone, being on a campus like this one did occasionally make her feel a little out of place. Affluent people made her nervous, and ultra-feminine straight women like Maura made her even more so. She supposed it was either because she felt like they must look down on her, or because she was a grudge against anyone who could have been a bitch in high school. In any case, she felt a little threatened that Lauren was bringing this girl on the scene – hanging out with them was supposed to be a club that was kind of hard to get into. She'd always known that Lauren came from money but that was different. They had so much in common that it where they came from wasn't a factor in their relationship.

"We thought we could go out to dinner Maura, would you like to?" Lauren said, breaking into her thoughts.

Jane suffered through a dinner way fancier than she would have liked. She spent the whole time worrying about the bill only to find that Maura insisted on paying the cheque. Maura and Lauren had a lot of little in-jokes about life at boarding school which made Jane feel left out. They two of them were sharing a bottle of wine and Jane found herself pounding down several beers. It was the only way to relieve the pain of a really bad hangover, after all.

"You know, alcohol only makes people think it's warming them up – intoxication expands the blood vessels and brings them closer to the surface of the skin. So it actually lowers your core body temperature," Maura was saying as they walked from the restaurant towards a nearby bar.

"Do you always talk like that?" Jane asked her. Lauren was walking between them and she had to lean forward a little to be able to see Maura. She had noticed it over dinner, this tendency of Maura's to spout facts as though she were reading them from a book. Maura looked back at her sheepishly, her dimples showing. Jane smiled back at her to show that she was only teasing. _ She's actually kind of cute_, the thought passed through Jane's mind and she quickly dismissed it. She must really have her beer goggles on.

Lauren put her arm around Maura. "She can't help it if she's a genius. Maura was in every class for the gifted we had at school – she's going to be a doctor."

"Cool," Jane said neutrally, although if truth be told she was impressed.

"What about you Jane, what are your plans?"

"Not sure. I'm weighing up doing my masters next year if I can swing it money wise. I've thought about going into the FBI or even the CIA, something along those lines."

"That's so cool! I'm actually thinking about specialising in forensic pathology down the line, I'd love to talk to you about it," Maura said enthusiastically.

"Yeah, definitely," Jane agreed.

"So Maura, how are you settling into your apartment?" Lauren changed the subject.

When they got to the bar Jane tried to make herself scarce. She was a little pissed at Lauren; who'd invited her along only to make her feel like she was in the way. So she went up to the bar more often than was necessary and struck up a flirtation with the barmaid whose name was Tracy; Jane had always noticed her and thought she was cute.

She went back to the table to deliver a round, finding Lauren and Maura talking with their heads close together.

"Hey, we were thinking of going after this drink. We're going to split a cab, you want to come stay at my place?" Lauren asked her.

"Thanks, but I think I'm going to stick around," Jane said, motioning with her head over towards Tracy.

"Right," Lauren said, grinning at her with an eyebrow raised. "No problem."

"I'll see you guys later. It was nice to meet you, Maura," Jane said.

"Nice to meet you too."

Jane went back to the bar, and looked over her shoulder when Lauren and Maura were leaving. She waved goodbye and watched while Lauren helped Maura into her coat, just barely managing to avoid rolling her eyes.

Just as she was about to turn away Maura looked over, and they made eye contact. _Those dimples again_. Maura eyes were kind of twinkling, and their eyes held one another's for a beat too long. She watched as Maura's eyes dropped down and then travelled slowly back up; Jane felt her face grow hot under the attention.

Jane turned back to the bar, confused. If she didn't know any better, she would have sworn that Lauren's straight friend had just checked her out.


	2. Chapter 2

_Wow, I'm flattered by all your comments and I really appreciate them. It's encouraging to say the least to know that people are digging this already. Hope you like this one just as much._

_To tuck3p, thanks for filling me in about BCU, it's kind of embarrassing that I didn't know that – see what I mean about being lazy, even a googling was beyond me!_

_Alcandre thanks and I think young Jane is a bit jerky, but it'll be addressed :)_

**Chapter Two**

The following day was a Saturday, and Lauren appeared at the Rizzoli house at one for their weekly lunch date. Angela always put together an impressive spread on the weekends for whichever of her children's friends happened to be crashing or hanging around.

"Where did you girls go out to last night?" Angela asked, eyeballing the dark smudges of leftover mascara under Lauren's eyes.

"One of my friends from school just moved here, so Jane helped me entertain her," Lauren explained.

"I bet she did," Frankie said, winking at Lauren.

"Shut _up_, smart ass," Jane said under her breath. She knew Frankie didn't really want to out her to her mom and that he just liked to watch her squirm; but he seemed to be coming dangerously close lately.

"That's nice of you, you're a good girl." Angela said. She treated Lauren like an extra daughter only more kindly than she did her own, Jane thought resentfully. All the attention with none of the guilt. Lauren's family lived out of town so Angela tried to fill the gap as best she could. Now she was nudging Lauren with her elbow in a conspiratorial fashion. "Did you meet any nice boys, get any phone numbers?"

"Oh, several phone numbers mom. Several 'digits' were obtained," Jane said drily, rescuing Lauren who looked like a deer in the headlights. "C'mon Lauren, let's go upstairs."

When they got up to her room Jane closed the door behind them. She'd been bursting to talk about the night before through the whole torturously long lunch. "What the hell, Lauren?"

"What the hell _what? _What did I do, grumpy pants?" Lauren lay down on Jane's bed and picked up the remote control so she could turn the station to the music channel. Jane sat down next to her.

"You know!" she picked up a pillow and hit Lauren with it. "What was that all about last night?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lauren pulled the pillow from Jane's hands and nonchalantly put it under her head, settling down as though for a nap.

"Why did you invite me along to that dinner if you were planning on doing your seduction routine with Maura?"

"Oh, bullshit, I wasn't doing any routine," Lauren said, looking at Jane seriously before the corners of her lips started to turn up into a smile. "At least, that's what I'm saying now that it didn't work. I'm sorry hon. I was just nervous about seeing her, I wanted you along for moral support. I shoulda given you a heads up."

Jane playfully poked Lauren in the stomach, to show that they were cool and to soften the words she was about to say. "Lauren, I thought you were over that straight-girl phase you went through after you came out. Why her? You know I love you, but it's really not a good idea sweetie."

"What? What made you assume she was straight?"

Jane frowned. "Wait, she's _not_ a straight girl?" She was frantically going over the night before in her mind, trying to determine what it was that had made her so sure about that. It didn't take long to realise that she'd just made the assumption and never revised it. Maybe Lauren had even told her about it in the first place – how would she even remember when she'd been so wasted?

"Not according to the word on the street at my boarding school, no. She had a thing with a girl in the year above us. I think she goes out with guys too, but she's definitely not staight."

Jane sighed dramatically, lying down next to Lauren. "I really wish my parents had sent me to boarding school. Sounds like a hotbed of lesbian activity."

Lauren laughed in response. "Oh, how I wish that were true.

"Sorry. I just assumed. So what gives, you had a thing for her at school? You seem to like her a lot." She turned her head to look at Lauren while she nodded. "Then how come you never mentioned her before?"

Jane felt Lauren's shoulders move up in a shrug next to her. "You know those girls that you like so much it embarrasses you because they're so out of your league? I felt pathetic around her at school, always following her around and shit."

"She's not out of your league, Lauren. You're awesome, you know that."

"You didn't know me in high school," Lauren said.

"I feel like such a jerk, I'm so sorry I said that thing to you about straight girls."

Lauren waved her hand. "Apology accepted. So what did you think of her? She's hot, right? She's only gotten sexier since school, oh my god."

Jane pictured flowing hair, piercing hazel eyes, full breasts that tapered down to a slim waist. "Sure, she's really pretty." Jane bit her lip. No shit. While they'd been talking she'd been trying to not focus on that fact. When Lauren had said that Maura wasn't straight, she'd felt a little thrill go through her stomach, because she'd been picturing that last look Maura had given her all morning. She had to put it out of her mind.

"So what about you, what happened with that girl from the bar?"

"Went back to her place," Jane said.

"Slut! How was it, are you going to see her again?"

Jane shrugged. "I don't think so. We just didn't really click, you know?"

Lauren was looking at her with her eyes narrowed. "How much of a chance could you have given it? You don't want to see her again just to see?"

Jane picked at the blanket with her fingers. "Naw, I don't think so." She could feel Lauren looking at her. Lauren had been on her case more and more lately about the way she'd been going through women in quick succession, and Jane hated talking about it. She loved their friendship but sometimes it felt like a master and apprentice type deal. Lauren had been a couple of semi long-term relationships while she'd never managed to settle down.

It was just too complicated. Jane had always struggled with meeting girls she felt really connected to. Besides that, there was the issue of not having come out to her parents yet. Hiding something as important and consuming as a girlfriend from a mom like hers would not be an easy thing to do. The thought of disappointing her dad was heartbreaking, too. She knew that she would have to say something soon; she couldn't live like this forever, but she kept putting it off. Jane knew she must hurt some of the girls who she dated with her attitude, but she make a sincere effort to not give anyone the wrong idea and to not hurt anyone's feelings.

"Hey, I'm not giving you a hard time. It's just that . . . you're looking very Shane today," Lauren said.

Jane broke up into laughter and swatted at Lauren. Lauren knew the quickest way to piss her off was to joke about her being a stud with the ladies, seeing as that was the last thing she felt like she was. Lauren pulled her into a hug and then they lay there in companionable silence, watching TV.

Over the next few days they formed something of a threesome; she and Lauren spent their nights going out for drinks and showing Maura around Boston. Jane quickly started to appreciate Maura's odd sense of humour and they fell into a teasing banter. That didn't mean that she could shake the uneasy feeling she got from the whole arrangement. She enjoyed Maura's company, but three was still a crowd.

It wasn't like Lauren was throwing herself at Maura. Her flirting was subtle enough, but knowing her as well as Jane did it was still noticable. And for her part Maura was kind and sweet, rebuffing Lauren as sensitively as anyone could. But it was like there was always this subtext going on, and Jane found the dynamic exhausting. She couldn't see any way around it. She'd gathered that Maura was quite socially awkward in a lot of ways, and theorised that she probably accepted all of Lauren's invitations because she really didn't know anyone else in town.

So Jane did her best to put distance between herself and Maura when they were together. Sometimes she thought she might catch Maura staring at her, but if she ever saw anything like that she quickly looked away. She avoided getting into conversations with Maura that might leave Lauren out. Lauren would do anything for her – it wasn't much to ask for her to be Lauren's wingman. She could totally manage that. For a while she thought she had a handle on the whole situation, she really did.

The game was a tight one. Jane and Lauren walked off the court together and headed for the locker room. They had plans to go out afterwards, and without being told Jane assumed that Maura was probably joining them.

"You coming?" Lauren said, gathering up her towel.

"In a minute, you go," Jane replied, sitting down on the bench. She needed a moment to catch her breath. She leaned over, putting her head towards her knees. She heard the rest of the girls walking towards the showers, one or two of them slapping her on the back as they passed.

"Hi!"

Jane jumped, and quickly looked up. "Jesus! Oh, hi Maura. I don't think you're really supposed to be back here, what are you doing?" she said, not unkindly. As always when she saw Maura she grinned – the woman's smile was infectious. She was starting to know enough to realise that it was just like Maura to do something like this against the rules. For all her good manners and breeding Maura lacked a well-developed social filter, and her enthusiasm for everything led her to do stuff other people might think better of.

Maura ignored her question, sitting down next to her. "That was so close! I was on the edge of my seat, I was so happy when you guys won. You played really well tonight, great defence."

"You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?"

Maura cocked her head and smiled at her, her eyes heavy-lidded. "None. I heard the guy in front of me say something along those lines though. Is Lauren in the showers? Are we still going out?"

"Yes and yes. I should go too, I bet I smell terrible," Jane said, rising. She felt self-conscious about how she must look, all red-faced and sweaty. Maura always looked so well put together.

"Perspiration is just your body's way of regulating temperature, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's a cultural norm to treat sweat as though its distasteful, but some people actually find it quite sexy," Maura said. Jane stared at her – for a second she thought Maura must be joking, but it looked like she wasn't. Jane was lost for words.

Maura pointed to her leg. "I need to check that out. I noticed you have a slight limp."

Jane looked down at it. "Huh? Oh no, it's fine."

Maura frowned at her. "You might have torn your triceps surae."

"Isn't that in my arm?"

"No, I'm talking about your calf muscles, and if you've torn them it's pretty serious. Sit down," she said, all business.

Jane sat straddling the bench, and Maura turned to face her and gently pulled Jane's foot up towards her, after telling her to take off her shoe. She touched the muscles and tested her joints, feeling them with her hands and asking Jane a ton of questions. "Hmm, no it sounds like it could just be your achillies tendon. You should ice it every few hours over the next few days and try to stay off it, but you should see someone and get it checked out."

"I'll start icing it tomorrow. Do you mean like a real doctor?" Jane replied sarcastically. Although Maura was looking down at her foot she could see Maura smiling.

"Yes, I mean someone who's finished their training, but for the record I do know a thing or two about sports injuries, I've done a lot of dance."

"Pfft, dancing is totally not even a sport," Jane said. Whenever she felt uncomfortable she started teasing Maura even more. After she'd finished checking out her leg, Maura had slipped her sock off for her. It was a strangely intimate gesture – and then she hadn't taken her hands away. She lightly ran her fingers over Jane's skin, massaging with her fingers, sliding up her calf just a little. Her hands were warm and soft, and she was looking at Jane's face now. Their eyes were locked. Jane felt a tingling run up through her leg at Maura's touch. For a few long moments they stared at one another. Jane could hear her own breath and wondered if Maura could hear it too.

"I should get to the showers," Jane said nervously.

"Right," Maura agreed, drawing her hands back and putting them in her lap. Her face betrayed nothing. Jane got up and grabbed her towel.

"You should go before anyone else sees you." The sentence hung between them in the air – because perhaps it was obvious that Jane meant _you should go before Lauren sees you._

"Um, thanks for checking my leg, it was nice of you," Jane said formally.

"No problem," Maura said. Jane walked away, fighting a war with herself the whole time to not look over her shoulder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The three of them sat around Jane's kitchen table, a heap of pamphlets spread over the table before them. Lauren had insisted that they all get together to help her go over her options for the following year.

"C'mon, you two both already know what you want to do with your lives. What do you think?"

"Lauren, only you can make this decision," Jane said, trying to not sound impatient.

It had been three weeks since that day in the locker room. As far as she was concerned, hanging out with the two of them was a worsening, creative form of torture. Ever since that day she'd struggled with her growing attraction to Maura. She'd played over it again and again in her mind, and she didn't know how she could interpret it any other way than that Maura had been coming on to her. It was like a switch had been tripped inside of her and all the thoughts that she'd been trying to suppress had risen to the surface.

Now she obsessed over everything – the way Maura smelled, the way she walked, her legs and her curves, the fact that her eyes were always dancing. Things that had initially annoyed her, such as Maura's veering towards being a know-it-all at times, now seemed special and cool.

She kept telling herself that it was nothing but a stupid crush, and that she just needed space to get over it. The problem was of course that it was impossible to get that space when Lauren kept unwittingly pushing the two of them together. Despite the fact that Maura had not yet displayed any interest in Lauren, Lauren was still smitten. She drove Jane nuts with talking about Maura any time they weren't with her. And Jane was too scared to say anything to discourage her, because she was terrified that Lauren might figure out she wasn't the only one having those kinds of thoughts about Maura. The whole thing was a fucking mess.

"We should make a map, Lauren, we need to get your thoughts on paper," Maura suggested. "Have you got some magic markers and paper Jane?"

"Great idea Maura, let's confuse her even more with a bunch of stupid lists," Jane said grumpily. Maura looked away from her. It was barely noticable but hurt showed in her eyes and her ever-eager expression had dropped a little.

Jane couldn't deny it – she'd gotten mean. If she'd had the self-awareness to realise what she was doing, she would say that she'd started being unkind to Maura so that Maura would know that nothing was going to happen between them. She didn't know how else to get her message across, even if she did feel sometimes like she was kicking a stunningly good-looking puppy.

"Sorry," Jane said softly. Not for the first time she felt grateful that they were only days away from Lauren's birthday, and Lauren was going to go back home to see her family in Connecticut. It also happened to be almost Jane's birthday. Each of them weren't planning to do much but have dinner with their families. It would mean their little group would be broken up for a week or so, and that she could finally breathe. She didn't know what Maura's plans were for over the weekend and she had no intention of asking – the only sane thing to do was for them to give each other a wide berth.

"Hey girls," Angela greeted them as she came into the kitchen. She kissed each of them on the cheek with a flourish. Her mom had always loved Lauren but she seemed to love Maura even more. She had started harping on about how elegant and lady-like Maura was, and pointing out ways that Jane could strive to be more like her. Angela offered them coffee and then set out their mugs and a plate of cookies.

"Mom, we're not twelve, you don't have to do that you know," Jane said.

Angela frowned. "I don't care how old you are, these are still your guests."

"Thanks Angela. These are amazing," Lauren said as she bit into one of the homemade treats. "I for one hope you're still feeding me when I'm forty. Nobody cooks like you. You're going to save me a piece of your famous birthday pecan pie, right?"

"I'll cook you a whole extra pie if that's what you want, especially seeing as I'll miss your birthday. It's nice to know someone appreciates me," Angela said. Jane ignored it, she was more than used to her mom's guilt trips.

"And one for you too, Maura," Angela said.

"I can't wait to try it," Maura replied.

"You're joining us for dinner though, aren't you?" Angela said. Jane winced internally – trust her mom to bring up the exact subject she'd been avoiding.

"Um, no . . . I was going to spend the time to catch up on my studies," Maura said, smiling awkwardly. She hadn't been expected to be invited to Jane's birthday dinner and hadn't in fact known that it were happening. She tried to not look at Jane, who was squirming in her seat.

"Oh nonsense, you're coming here for Jane's birthday diner of course! Right Jane?" Angela said, somehow making her tone convey that she was disgusted Jane hadn't already invited her.

"Of course," Jane said. Her eyes darted towards Maura, who looked back at her uncomfortably. "Sorry, I just hadn't mentioned it to you yet." She could feel Lauren looking at her as well. It wasn't weird that she hadn't said anything, was it? It wasn't like she'd invited other, closer friends like some of the girls on the team. But she couldn't un-invite her now that her mother was trying to do it, that would definitely look weird.

"I don't want to impose," Maura said. She had turned to speak the words towards Jane's mom, but Jane knew that they were really directed at her.

"Don't be silly, it's fine. I just forgot, you're totally welcome," Jane urged. Everyone was looking at her, and she was acutely aware of how childish she'd been acting.

_You want her here_, Jane thought. Y_ou've wanted her here all along._

_Maura felt a surge of adrenaline course through her when Jane agreed that she should come over for her birthday dinner. She was aware that Jane most likely felt pressured by her mother and Lauren to confirm the invitation, which made Maura feel anxious. However she was willing to withstand the awkwardness, given the fact that interactions with Jane had become so strained over the past few weeks. She was hopeful that the chance to spend extra time together might help them work through their problem. Her objective was not to actually confront Jane, as she judged that Jane preferred an avoidant communication style. That was evident in the fact that Jane was being rude to her rather than verbalising that she wasn't interested in her romantically. _

_Maura planned to set Jane at ease through example. If she acted neutral then perhaps Jane would begin to relax, and the situation could go back to how it had been before she'd made that clumsy pass at Jane in the locker room._

_Maura's face flushed when she thought about it. She'd been wanting to get Jane alone since they'd met; and seeing her opportunity she'd come up with a transparent excuse to make contact. Jane's physiological responses to her touch had indicated potential arousal; but sometimes that's all it was. A physiological response to stimuli, as opposed to genuine attraction. Jane had acted irritable and intolerant of her ever since that day. Maura wished she'd apologsed at the time, but apologising would only remove any shred of ambiguity from her actions._

_From first sight she had been captivated by Jane. She had never seen anyone so beautiful. If she thought about it she could break it down into its parts. Jane had lovely cheekbones, amazing skin and eyes, a deep throaty voice she could listen to for hours. There was an androgynous quality to her – she was a conventionally beautiful woman with a masculine energy. That was a powerful combination._

_Then there were the elements beyond the physical. They hadn't known each other long but she'd observed so many aspects of Jane's character that made her feelings strengthen. Jane was loyal, steadfast, kind to her friends. She sensed that Jane was difficult to get to know, but once you got there she would protect you. She had a keen intellect – the kind driven more by instinct than Maura's own, and a quick dry wit. Maura even liked the areas that might be perceived as faults. Jane drank too much, appeared to have difficulty forming romantic attachments, and presented as irritable a lot of the time. Maura was aware that her attraction towards Jane was partially driven by these things; she was certainly not the first person to become turned on by a 'bad girl'. At least as far as bad girls went, Jane was a pretty good one._

_Anyway, since that incident after the game she'd been treading lightly with Jane. Her actions had been meant to find out where she stood, and that had become clear. Up until then she'd been receiving mixed signals. Maura had noted that Jane's eyes often drifted to her lips while she was speaking, or to her breasts, or her legs if they were exposed. Additionally, Jane's body language conveyed what she had taken for signs of interest – she was always leaning towards her, standing too close. But it made no sense to dwell on those things, so Maura brushed them off and tried to not misinterpret them anymore. She focussed on the contradictary evidence. Jane had presumably gone home with another girl on the night they met, for instance._

_Maura had decided that she could be content with remaining friends. If she continued a platonic relationship with Jane, then surely these feelings would just disappear. If you didn't feed something then it died._

_She had an overwhelming feeling that all would be well with the world if Jane would just stop being mad at her. _

Maura left early making an excuse about needing to get home to do some reading for school, and Lauren stayed behind to hang out with Jane a little bit longer

"Hey I'm glad you invited Maura over for dinner, Jane. I know it's only one weekend but she still doesn't really know anyone. I didn't like the thought of her sitting at home by herself the whole time I was away," Lauren said.

"She's a big girl, I'm sure she would have been fine. She's really more your friend than mine," Jane replied sharply. One guilt-inducing mom was enough, she didn't need to hear it from her best friend as well.

"Alright, why are your tits in a tangle?" Lauren was standing with a hand on her hip staring at Jane. She knew that she was the only person who could really get away with calling Jane on her bullshit, but she always tried to do it with a bit of humour. She wouldn't take on Jane cold – she wasn't that stupid.

"My tits are not tangled," Jane said firmly.

"Oh, they are tangled. They've been tangled for a while. What's going on? Do you not like Maura?"

_If only that were the problem_. Jane shrugged, thinking maybe it would just be easier to let Lauren think that was what had been bothering her.

"Is she cramping your style or what? Do you want me to stop inviting her so much when we go out?" Lauren was looking at her anxiously. Just when Jane thought that she couldn't feel any more guilty, she could see how much Lauren just wanted to make her happy. She didn't deserve such a good friend.

"I don't know. I mean, I like her Lauren, she's cool, but you don't need me around all of the time. I feel like I'm in the way. Maybe it would be better if you guys spent a bit more one-on-one time, get to know eachother without me there. What do you think?" _Maybe if they did that Maura would see that Lauren was the right one for her. Lauren was the mature, kind one who would treat Maura like she deserved to be treated. And then if they got together, it could only be a matter of time before Jane forgot about it and moved on. It was the only way everyone could end up happy._

"You're so not in the way Jane, you dummy. I'm sorry, I've been selfish. I just liked being able to see my two favourite people at the same time. Let's make a deal, I'll try to split up my time a bit better if you promise to be nicer to her? The dinner would be a good start."

"Deal," Jane said, crossing over to hug Lauren tightly.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Yo Ladies, thanks again and hope you enjoy this update. Rest assured that stuff will start happening, this will not be a non M-rated fic forever, I just like the build-up and I hope you do too. Enjoy :)**_

**Chapter Four**

Jane opened the door, rehearsing her expression before she did so. Maura stood before her in a black satin dress that revealed a classy but enticing amount of skin, and Jane had to force her eyes back up to Maura's face rather than stare.

"Maura, hey, thanks for coming," she said stiffly. Jane had worried over her own outfit today, which was extremely not-like-her. She'd settled on a button-up collared shirt rather than her usual T-shirt, she wasn't sure if she looked any good but it had made her mother happy at least.

Maura smiled and held out a bottle of wine. Jane faltered as she stepped aside to let Maura in because she felt unsure of how to greet her - whether she should do one of those stupid air-kisses or hug her or whatever. Instead she took an exaggerated step back, putting as much distance between them as she could and taking Maura's coat. Angela evidently had no trouble deciding how to welcome Maura; she pulled her into a bear hug and kissed her on the cheek. When she stepped back she put her hands to the side of Maura's face. "You're such a beautiful girl! Such a lady, the way you dress. Isn't she beautiful Jane?"

"Sure Ma," Jane replied awkwardly. Her eyes met Maura's for a moment and she quickly walked away, busying herself with helping set the table. There was enough food to feed a frickin army. Every inch of the table had been covered with it, even though Maura was their only guest. There were three different types of pasta, arancini, fresh bread and salads.

Everyone had met Maura at least once over the past month and they greeted her warmly, especially Tommy who always irritated Jane by staring at Maura's boobs. He'd turned into such a hormone-riddled teenaged boy lately, it made her feel like smacking him even more than usual. When they'd sat down to eat Angela had started pushing various plates towards Maura.

"Mom, leave her alone, let her eat what she wants," Jane interrupted her.

"She's never been here for dinner. Maura a lot of these dishes were taught to me by Jane's Nonna. I hope to pass them down to Jane one day if she ever expresses an interest in cooking."

"Thank you Mrs Rizzoli, this all looks delicious," Maura said politely.

"Call her Angela. I'm pretty sure Maura's had Italian food before, like when she went to _Italy,_" Jane pointed out.

"You've been? That's wonderful!"

"Remember I told you ma, Maura was living overseas before she came over here."

"Oh, where were you living sweetie?"

"France, mainly. My mother and father are based there still, but they move around a lot for work," Maura explained.

"Your parents are French?" Angela said.

"Oh, no they're not. They're from here," Maura said. Jane noticed that Maura was starting to look awkward and wondered why. If only her mom could just stop prodding for five minutes – she had a habit of conducting interrogations on everyone who came over and loved nothing more than to find out people's whole life stories. It was part of the reason Jane worried about bringing a girlfriend home - even one that would agree to masquerading as just a friend. She'd even had to ask Lauren to pretend to be straight when she was around, just so her mom wouldn't get suspicious. It was different with Maura. She didn't have to ask her to pretend anything – a woman as feminine as Maura being into other women probably wasn't something her mom would be able to comprehend.

"So what is your heritage then? English? Irish . . . actually you look like you could have a bit of Eastern- European in you," her mom was looking at Maura's face, studying her features.

"I actually don't know, I'm adopted," Maura replied. Jane grimaced – so there it was. Maura _had_ been avoiding something. Lauren had never mentioned that so it mustn't be something Maura was particularly open about. Trust her mom to pull it out of her. She should be the one planning a potential CIA career path.

"Oh, you are? What's that like? So you don't know who your real parents are?" Angela's expression had changed to sympathetic but she hadn't paused to draw breath.

"Mom, stop it," Jane said sharply; she'd had it with her mom's lack of tact.

"It's okay," Maura said softly, placing her hand on top of Jane's where it lay on the table for a second. Jane looked down at it and swallowed hard. Her touch was feather light and when she pulled her hand away Jane felt a twinge of regret.

"I don't know who my biological parents are unfortunately," Maura went on. "I tried to find out when I turned eighteen but it was a closed adoption. I don't know any differently, it's normal to me, but it's also normal for adopted children to feel confused and angry. That was a problem for me for a time, but I'm coming to terms with it."

"Well, I think you're adoptive parents are so lucky they found you," Angela said, going over to Maura and kissing her on top of the head. She passed by and went over to the kitchen bench to bring back more food.

The rest of the meal passed pleasantly enough with a minimum of arguing. Her dad was the first to leave the table; he was grumbling about how the game had already started. The boys followed him out and Jane would normally be right with them, but she couldn't imagine that Maura would have any interest in joining them and she wasn't quite ready for Maura to leave. The thought of Maura going home to her empty apartment made her feel sad. For the first time she was struck with a pang of guilt about how eager she'd been for Lauren to go away – if she could just get her hormones under control maybe she could actually enjoy the friendship they all had going. It wasn't always all bad.

"Stay and have a couple of drinks with me?" Jane asked. "Mom's just going to fall asleep now anyway. You can keep me company."

"Of course. Wouldn't be right to let you drink alone on your birthday."

They moved out to the porch, Jane taking an armful of blankets with them. They curled up in the matching rocking chairs they'd inherited from Nonna and Pop, Jane opening a beer for herself. Maura had brought a whole bottle of wine out with her and put it on the floor beside her after pouring out a glass.

"Sorry about my mom," Jane said.

"She's sweet," Maura said, sipping at her drink.

"You're really putting that wine away," Jane observed. She'd noticed Maura drinking quite a lot over dinner, which wasn't like her – it was usually she and Lauren who were the first to drink too much.

Maura shrugged. "I was a little nervous."

Jane's heart beat faster as she worried that Maura might try to broach the subject of what had been happening between them. She was relieved when Maura said only, "I'm not used to larger families like yours. I don't have any siblings."

"Oh." Jane was surprised. Her family with all its noise and chaos was so normal to her, it was hard to imagine anything different. "Well, I'm glad you could join us."

"I have to ask, how does your mother not know that you're a lesbian? It's quite obvious."

Jane almost spat out the mouthful of beer she'd been drinking. "You just jump right to it, don't you?"

"Not as much as your mother does," Maura said.

Jane laughed and nodded at the well-made point. For one of the first times in the last few weeks she allowed herself to relax and look at Maura properly, to meet her eye and to see her smile. Right now her smile was of the slightly mocking variety. She liked it. "That she does. And in answer to your question, I guess people see what they want to see."

"That's true. It must be difficult, to have to hide that part of yourself. What about when you bring women home? How do you manage that?"

Jane swigged her beer. Talking about anything related to sex with Maura made her feel like she were entering dangerous waters. "I don't. I usually go to their house and let her assume whatever she wants. What about you?"

"Yes?"

"What's your story? I mean . . . are you like, I don't know. Lauren mentioned that you dated men and women, is that right?" She asked the question in a rush. Maura had never volunteered any information about her love-life in the month they'd been hanging out, except to mention a male ex back in Europe. It had been killing her not to know, but she'd been too self-conscious to ask when Lauren was around.

"Yes, I'm attracted to both genders, I've been with both. And my parents already know that, not that we talk very much about it. My mom's an artist who lives in Europe, it's not really such a big deal to her," Maura explained.

"Right," Jane said. It brought up some conflicting feelings. There had been a tiny part of her that had wondered all along if Maura weren't just a heterosexual woman who'd experiemented in high school. If she were indeed heterosexual she wouldn't be the first woman to flirt with Jane. Jane found that she felt relieved – and maybe even a little intimidated by Maura. She had to admit that the idea of Maura with a man caused a streak of white-hot jealousy go through her, even though she had no business feeling that way. She cleared her throat and changed the subject, because an uncomfortable silence had started to lengthen between them.

They sat outside talking about everything and nothing until late, when Angela called out through the door to ask if either of them wanted tea or coffee. Each of them declined and Maura lifted her arm to look at the gold watch encircling her slender wrist.

"I should be getting home. Obviously I'm going to have to leave my car so I can catch a cab home, is it okay if I pick it up tomorrow?"

"Of course," Jane replied. Again she didn't want Maura to go but it would look weird to try to stop her now. As Maura rose from her chair she stumbled a little, shaky on her feet after all the alcohol. Jane put out a hand to help her and they remained locked for a moment in a quasi-embrace, her hands at Maura's elbows. She had been laughing at Maura's tipsiness but it died quickly in her throat. Jane helped to steady Maura, her hands moving to Maura's shoulders. Jane brushed a hair out her eye and stared at Maura's collarbone, wanting to touch it, to place kisses along it. Looking into Maura's eyes right now would be far too risky.

Jane remembered where she was, who was inside, and stepped back to allow Maura to pass by her to walk away and gather her things. Angela wouldn't hear of Maura making her own way home and insisted on driving her. She loaded the car up with Maura, Jane, and a sizable portion of the leftovers.

When she and her mother drove away without Maura she felt a wave of loneliness wash over her, like something that she didn't know she'd been missing had been taken away from her.


	5. Chapter 5

_Very happy to hear from those who don't mind the slow build-up, or the angst. I'm an angst lover from way back :) I'm always curious to hear what people have to say, and the amount of reviews has been a real compliment that I'm really grateful for. I check them far too many times a day for it to be healthy, it's like a drug I tell you, and it's going to go to my head._

_The next chapter should hopefully be posted tomorrow – to paraphrase Bridesmaids, this thing is coming out of me like lava. _

**Chapter Five**

Jane rose early the next morning, not wanting to miss the chance to see Maura when she came to collect her car. She was glad that she did; the blonde was on their door step not much after nine o'clock. She heard Maura thanking her mom for the hospitality and only just made out it out to the porch before Maura had stepped off it.

"Hey," Jane greeted her. "You're kidding, you ran over here? What'd it take you, like an hour?" Maura was wearing a tank top and sweat pants, her hair tied back into a messy pony tail. They smiled openly at one another, some of the tension between them broken by their time together the night before.

"I find the endorphin boost really helps my mood after I've been drinking. Best cure for a hangover," Maura said.

"I find that a big bucket of grease is the best cure for a hangover, but whatever floats your boat. What else are you doing today, feeding soup to the homeless?" Jane teased. Her banter had lost its nasty edge – it was so much easier to just enjoy Maura's company without Lauren being around. The thought made her feel guilty but there it was. Plus, she was keeping good on her promise to Lauren and being nice.

"Actually no. Now I'm going to lie on my couch like a slob, eat some leftovers, and watch a movie."

"Now that's more like it!"

"You can come with me if you want?" Jane could see that Maura was nervous and unsure about asking the question. The chance to spend more time with Maura alone was more than a bit appealing. It wasn't like she couldn't control herself – they could just talk like they had the night before. She didn't need Lauren's permission to do that.

"Hmmm . . . a chance to nurse this hangover in peace without my mom hanging over my shoulder? Definitely."

The risk she was taking was worth the smile on Maura's face.

Jane loved being at Maura's apartment. It wasn't the first time she'd been; she and Lauren had spent a few nights hanging out there. It was beautifully decorated with art prints, flowers, modern furniture and lots of what would fall under the umbrella of Weird Shit. But she liked it, it was very fitting for Maura's personality. It was strange to think that they were the same age and that Maura had already accumulated so much (even if her wealthy parents had paid for it). She was pretty sure that if she had her own apartment it would just be comprised of milk crates and a mattress on the floor.

Maura excused herself to go and have a shower. Jane looked around Maura's place, reading the spines of the dozens of books on her shelf. She tried to not think about Maura having a shower, and the fact that she was naked in the next room.

When she got back Maura smiled at her with sleepy-looking eyes and started pulling out containers of food from the fridge and sticking them in the microwave. She started making a pot of coffee and asked Jane to help her carry everything over to the coffee table.

"And now we're going to watch a horror movie," Maura said, rifling through the shelves of DVDs that sat next to the television. Jane had already been through them; Maura had some unusual taste. It was half full of arty-looking foreign fare and the other half full of what she'd call junk. The case of the one she was holding up kind of made it look like a mix between the two genres; a French horror movie with some chick covered in blood on the front.

"Maura, I feel like I don't even know you anymore. Have you been replaced by a teenaged boy?"

"Horror movies aren't just for teenaged boys. They provide a way of experiencing primal emotions in a safe environment. Didn't you ever watch horror movies as a kid? You know when you pull the blanket over your head so the monster won't get you, but deep down you know you're really safe? That's what I like about it," Maura said, acting out what she was saying with a blanket on the couch.. Jane was looking at her with wonder. She liked that she never knew what Maura was going to say next. It was a weird ride.

Throughout the movie they were almost near enough to touch, their knees close enough to one another's for the warmth to transfer from Maura's thigh to Jane's own. Maura smelt fresh and clean from her shower and her hair was scented with shampoo. She felt like taking Maura's hair in her fists and kissing her - she couldn't remember ever wanting to kiss somebody so much. They were so close; she knew that if she did it Maura wouldn't push her away. Jane could feel the desire between them like it was a living thing.

"That was a weird-ass movie. But I didn't hate it. Now it's my turn to decide what we're going to do," Jane announced when the movie was over. She was lying, she did hate the movie, but she did like watching Maura out of the corner of her eye.

"What are we going to do?" Maura said, drawing her legs up underneath her, a look of childlike amusement on her face.

"Hmm . . . we're going to go to my favourite park and drink the biggest Coke slushies you've ever seen in your life."

"Coke? I don't think so, do you know what that stuff does to your stomach lining?"

Before long they were sitting on the cool grass of the bank of a lake, with their shoes off and their feet dangling into the water. It was perfect – the sun was shining and they could hear the far-off sounds of kids playing.

"I hadn't picked you for a nature lover," Maura said, sipping from the giant cup Jane had insisted she buy.

"Meh, it's not so much the nature as the quiet. It never really gets quiet at my place," Jane replied. She glanced over at Maura, who was looking thoughtfully into the water.

"Have you and Lauren ever been together?" Maura said.

Jane laughed. "Oh my. That's the last thing I expected you to say. No, never. That would be like incest or something, she's like a sister to me. Why do you ask me that?"

Maura took the straw out of her mouth and started scooping out bits of icy Coke and chewing on them, still thinking. "I don't know. I was just wondering. I'm sorry if the question offended you."

"No, it doesn't. I mean, we've always just been friends so I don't think of her that way, but I'd be damn lucky to have someone like Lauren. She's beautiful, smart . . . she's awesome. Don't you think?" Jane prodded.

"Of course I think she's awesome, she's been wonderful to me since I got here. She's one of the most generous people I've ever met," Maura said.

"Yeah, she's great . . . " Jane trailed off, looking back down at her feet. Of course she'd been trying to see if Maura had any romantic feelings for Lauren but now she felt self-conscious, like she'd come across as stupid. She felt ashamed as her lips mouthed Lauren's name – every word that she'd said was true, but did she even _want_ Maura to feel that way? God, as much as she wanted Lauren to be happy Jane realized that she'd be crushed if Maura liked Lauren instead of her. What kind of a person was she?

She watched as Maura pushed herself back from the lake, wiping her feet on the grass to dry them.

"Are you going?" Jane asked, trying to keep the disappointed tone from creeping into her voice.

"Nope. I'm tired, I'm going to have a nap," Maura announced.

"But you said you're not going? Oh, you're going to have a nap here?"

"Exactly. The fresh air is very good for you, you know, not to mention the Vitaman D," she said, settling herself on the grass and closing her eyes.

Jane laughed and lay back as well. She looked across at Maura's face, gazing at it while she could get away with it and Maura couldn't see her looking. Then she closed her own eyes, letting her troubles drift away. The sun beat down warm on her face, the breeze blowed over her, and she could feel the ground hard underneath her back. Jane had that feeling like whatever happened everything was going to be okay. It was the first time she could remember experiencing that in a long time. She stretched and let herself go.

Jane woke up slowly, regaining her senses one at a time, coming to the surface from a deep sleep. It was getting cold – they'd fallen asleep not far from a cluster of trees and the shade had moved over them while they slept. It must be late afternoon. Jane realized she'd turned on her side and she could feel cool blades of grass under her cheek.

But most of all, mostly she just realized that Maura had drawn close to her and was burrowing into her for warmth. She could feel Maura pressed up against her from behind, soft breasts against her back, a hand laid lightly but somehow possessively on her hip.

Jane wanted to lay there forever. Or she wanted to roll over turn Maura onto her back and wake her up with kissing, to feel Maura underneath her, to put her hands everywhere she'd imagined. She allowed herself just a few moments, only a few, to enjoy the feeling of almost being in Maura's arms.

Then she extricated herself gently, inching forward, and Maura woke up abruptly as she slipped away. Jane moved away a little further and sat up, rubbing her face. It was quiet between them for a while, as they took their time waking up. Jane had that odd, sad feeling she only got when she slept in the middle of the day. Maura was stretching, moving her head to loosen the muscles in her neck. Jane looked at her for signs that she knew that she'd cuddled up to Jane, but she couldn't see any – she didn't really know what she was looking for anyway.

"Want me to give you a ride home?" Jane asked, and Maura nodded her assent.

The whole time she was driving, she entertained the hope that maybe Maura would invite her in when she got there. She knew that the more time she spent with Maura, the harder it was going to get to keep her feelings in check. But she also just couldn't help wanting to see her, to spend time with her at any cost. It occurred to her that she couldn't remember the last time she felt so strongly about someone. The thought scared her.

"So, I'll see you soon . . ." Maura trailed off.

"Sure, I'll give you a call," Jane said, trying to be as non-committal as she could without hurting Maura's feelings.

"Right." Maura said, looking just a little downcast. "Bye," she said, closing the door behind her.

Jane let out the breath she'd been holding. She spent the rest of the time while Lauren was away warning herself away from the phone. That night and the following day when they'd spent so much time together had been nothing short of perfect. That had to be enough.


	6. Chapter 6

_**So particularly stoked with your comments on the last chapter, sincerely thank you. Appreciate every one of them. **_

_**I'm going to upgrade this to M now, because although this chapter isn't particularly dirrty it will get to be so sometime soon, and I'd like it to have some element of surprise when it happens.**_

_**And tuckp3 that sucks, so this one's for you. Glad I could play some small part in cheering you up. **_

**Chapter Six**

When Lauren returned from spending time with her family, Jane picked her up from the airport. One of the first things Lauren asked her when she got into the car was about Maura; and how things had gone at her birthday dinner. Jane downplayed their time together and only mentioned that day afterwards in the interest of not lying, but she spoke about the details as little as possible. It was something she needed to have all of her own. She realized that she was gripping the steering wheel tightly with her shoulders drawn up around her neck. She had become a ball of nerves lately.

"I spoke to Maura yesterday and we're catching up for dinner tonight. So I'm just letting you know . . ." Lauren said hesitatingly.

"Yeah of course. You don't have to tell me every time you want to hang out with Maura and not invite me, that's totally not part of the agreement." She said it casually but wondered – were they finally going on a date? In any case she didn't want to talk about it, it was easier to pretend that the whole thing wasn't happening.

A couple of days passed quietly; she saw Lauren a few times but managed to avoid Maura. She found that she just felt like laying low – the last thing she felt like doing was going out and partying. She knew that if she drank it would just make her miss Maura even more. Jane couldn't stop thinking about her, replaying the sensations of Maura's hand on hers or on her waist as she slept. Guiltily she even went out and hired the sequel to the movie they had watched together – she felt like a teenaged girl with a crush that she couldn't help indulging in even when she knew it was bad for her.

One morning she was on her way to class when she went into one of the campus coffee places. By the time she noticed Maura and Lauren sitting at one of the tables it was too late to turn around. They hadn't seen her yet but there was nothing to do but approach.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Jane said lightly. She made brief, awkward eye contact with Maura, who gave her a small smile and went back to drinking from her coffee.

"Jane! Just the person I wanted to see actually. A couple of the girls on the team are insisting we have some kind of joint birthday bash seeing as they didn't get to celebrate with either of us. What do you think?"

"I don't know Lauren, I didn't really want to make a deal of my birthday this year . . ."

"C'mon Jane, I want to have one and it'll be weird if we don't do yours as well. It won't be anything too big, just drinks. I actually just asked Maura if we could host it at her apartment. I was thinking Saturday night."

Jane shifted from foot to foot. It made sense seeing as Lauren lived on-campus and couldn't do it at her place. She could have offered to have it at her house but her mom always made these things into a huge production – she'd probably want to hire a band or worse, make her wear a dress. Finally she nodded, not wanting to seem like a bad sport.

"Alright, sounds fun."

Jane and Lauren were walking down the ailes of the liquor store, where Lauren was loading up a cart with tequila, beer, bottles of wine and vodka.

"Nothing big, huh?" Jane said sarcastically.

"It's better to have too much alcohol than not enough! Besides, my mom gave me money to host a party so I can afford to spring for everyone."

"Hey, I'm not complaining about free booze."

"You don't mind that I asked Maura to have it at her place do you? I know we talked about spending more time apart but I thought a party wouldn't count."

"I didn't have much of a choice did I? You asked me right in front of her," Jane said. She reached out and grabbed Lauren's hair at the nape of her neck, pulling at it with her fist. It was an ongoing joke to pretend to have hair-pulling catfights - she especially liked doing it in public. Lauren retaliated by putting Jane in a headlock. They laughed and squealed as customers stepped around them, staring.

"Alright, that's enough," Lauren said breathlessly. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you personally first, princess Jane."

"That's okay. I'm actually looking forward to it." It was true, she had started to think it actually would be fun. They'd invited the whole team and most of them were coming and bringing their girlfriends/boyfriends and friends with them. It had been a long time since they'd all been together off the court and even longer since they'd had a party – during the season most of them rarely drank alcohol. Then there was the pleasant anticipation of getting to see Maura. Her self-imposed distance was necessary but she still wanted to see her no matter how difficult it might be.

They arrived early to help Maura set up. Jane was pretty sure that Maura was greeted by twin jaw-drops from her and Lauren both as she opened the door. Maura was wearing a simple red dress that flattered her curves. She hugged each of them hello, and Jane hugged her back self-consciously, worried that she would somehow give away how she felt.

Jane busied herself with unloading all of the alcohol while Lauren and Maura talked, and people slowly started arriving. Maura was a great host; she'd set up a coat-room and opened up her liquor cabinet for in case they ran out. She'd put a lot of nice little touches around the place and even baked a cake for she and Lauren. Jane spoke to Maura enough to be polite, thanking her for everything she'd done. She tried to spend the majority of her time with her friends from the team and keep her attentions focussed on them. It had used to be enough for her.

She hadn't intended to get so drunk but it was just one of those nights, where everything about the tone of the party conspired to make it happen. Everyone was in a good mood - cutting loose, dancing to the music, and passing around shots. She could smell pot wafting in from the small balcony where Maura had said people could smoke.

It didn't take long before her eyes began to continually stray and seek out Maura. She was hard to miss in that red dress, and Jane was sure that she wasn't the only one following Maura around with her eyes all night. For example, there was a guy friend that one of the girls' boyfriends had brought with him who seemed to have taken a shine to her. He was a big jock-type guy and handsome in a soapie star kind of a way – Jane nicknamed him Beau in her mind. Jane wondered what kind of guys Maura was into, whether he was her type. During the course of the night she watched Beau as he circled Maura, getting closer. They started talking but Jane was always too far way to be able to tell whether Maura was showing him any interest.

Jane drifted into the large group of people who were in the kitchen. Maura had sliced up lemons and put salt out, and some of her teammates were doing tequila slammers. Jane was close enough to hear Beau and Maura talking and felt a surge of relief. Maura didn't sound like she was being anything other than polite while he droned on about the stock market – Jane gathered that he was a finance major. His name was actually Peter, but she decided she was going to refuse to call him anything other than Beau.

Then the body shots started – it was just that kind of a night. One enthusiastic girl Jane had never met had draped herself across the bench so that her boyfriend could drink from her navel. Jane laughed while she watched, half in derision and half in genuine amusement, her eyes wandering over towards Maura and Beau who were doing the same. She guessed Maura didn't mind a bunch of strangers turning her apartment into a frat house.

"You want to go next?" Beau was nudging Maura, and Jane cringed. She edged a little closer towards them in case Maura might need help getting rid of him.

"No thanks, actually I'll have to excuse myself, I'm going to go and find . . ." Maura started.

"Oh c'mon! Even just one from the neck?" Beau prodded her. Jane cringed again – some people just didn't know when to give up.

"One from the neck? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," Maura said uncomfortably.

"I'll show you, you'll see," Beau said.

Time to swoop in for the rescue. "I've got it, don't you worry, I'll show her," Jane said, winking obnoxiously at Beau. She took Maura's hand and drew her closer, edging her over towards an empty space on the counter.

"Thank you. I've been trying to shake him for the past hour. He is ridiculously persistent," Maura whispered, laughing.

"Well, can you blame him?" Jane replied, taking the salt shaker from beside Maura. She reached forward and pushed Maura's hair back to expose the soft skin Maura's neck. As drunk as she was, Jane was still conscious of her heart racing. She would normally bite back a comment like that, but she loved watching the effect it seemed to have on Maura.

"What are you doing?" Maura was gazing at her.

"Showing you different methods of body shots, I made a promise to Beau after all."

"Who's Beau?" Maura asked in confusion.

"Never mind. Just put this in your mouth," Jane explained, giving Maura a wedge of lemon and showing her how to hold it. Maura took it between her teeth with an expression that melted Jane even more. Jane leaned in and trailed her tongue along Maura's neck slowly, feeling Maura's breath hitch under her attention. She put one hand behind Maura's head in a possessive gesture, cupping it with her palm.

Jane picked up the shot glass with one hand and she moved her other hand, placing it on Maura's shoulder. It was important to concentrate on what she was doing, as though it was the task she cared about and not what it was letting her do. She rested her hand for a moment before removing it to shake salt along the skin she'd just touched wth her tongue.

She bent down again and licked the skin, taking way longer than she needed to, drawing it along the velvetly skin. She inhaled the scent of Maura's hair and perfume. She felt Maura grasp her elbow and lean into her, tilting her head back to give Jane more access. Jane pulled back and with their eyes locked she drank from her glass. Then she moved in to take the lemon from Maura's mouth.

All she could think was _I'm almost kissing her, _and she wished that Maura would drop the lemon so that their lips could touch. Jane placed her hands on Maura's waist when she took the wedge, then pulled away to suck on the lemon, still standing close. They stared at one another, the air between them charged.

"My turn?" Beau said hopefully from behind Jane, tapping her on the shoulder.

Jane jumped and rolled her eyes. "Jesus."

"Really, no thanks. Excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom," Maura said firmly, and Jane watched as she shakily pushed herself away from the bench and walked away. Jane and Beau both watched her go, and Jane reached out and patted Beau on the arm in her most condescending manner.

She felt someone's eyes on her from across the room and when she looked, her eyes met Lauren's. Her friend looked crestfallen.

_What have I done? Jane_ thought, averting her eyes in remorse, unable to see her. When she gained the courage to look back Lauren had turned and was talking to one of her other friends. Jane looked around the room. Everyone was occupied, drunkenly talking to each other or dancing.

She slipped away. Jane walked all of the way home by herself, her heart in her throat the entire time. When it was happening she had told herself that she wasn't crossing the line – she hadn't actually kissed her. That had been the worst kind of self-deception. Jane wished tomorrow would never come and that she would never have to wake up and face herself.

Then a thought came into her mind, and it was one she was better off leaving unexamined. _That was totally worth anything that happens._


	7. Chapter 7

_Do you all want the good news or the bad news first? Good? Good news is I'm posting two chapters tonight. _

_Bad news is I'm going on an overseas holiday in a couple of days and I'm gonna need to rip myself away from this for a little while. When I started writing I was envisioning it being a lot shorter than it's turned out to be, and I thought I'd have it wrapped up before I left. But the plot kept on thickening of its own accord. _

_I would like to have it done rather than leave you hanging, but I didn't want to rush to through to the conclusion now that I've put this amount of work into it. I'm going for about three weeks so there'll be an update a little after that. On the upside, I'll have a 20 hour return flight to come up with ideas for the rest of it – I know what happens next broadly but I'm thinking I'll come back refreshed and ready to roll. So please be patient and rest assured this story will have an ending._

_You've all been rad with your comments, thanks once again._

**Chapter Seven**

When Jane woke up she found herself in the throes of a panic attack. Her pulse was racing today for an entirely different reason to the one that had made her heart skip the night before, and her hands felt clammy and cold. She lay in her bed and forced herself to take deep slow breaths. She felt herself starting to calm down and settled herself back in her pillow – she wanted to go back to sleep so that she could deal with everything later. She'd only been trying for a few minutes when she heard her mom pounding on her door.

"Jane, you have a visitor!" she sat up in her bed, a wave of nausea overtaking her, a combination of the hangover and nerves. Fuck. Lauren appeared in her doorway and they stared levelly at one another. Jane threw back the covers and moved to sit on the side of the bed.

"Just a sec," she said, her voice huskier than usual. She had pretty much just pulled her jeans and bra off last night and fell into bed, exhausted from the long walk. It had literally taken her hours. It just didn't seem right to have this confrontation with no pants on, so she pulled a pair of sweats off the ground.

"Jane, what's going?" Lauren said, her face a mask of worry and fear.

"Nothing is going on," Jane said emphatically.

"If nothing's going on, then why did I see you all over Maura last night? And if nothing's going on, why did you leave your own birthday party without saying goodbye to anyone?" Lauren sank down next to her on the bed. Jane noted guiltily that Lauren had a hopeful look on her face, as though even after seeing her best friend draped over the girl she liked, she just wanted to believe the best about Jane.

"Listen, I'm sorry Lauren. Maybe I was inappropriate with that body shot but it just got a bit out of hand is all. I was resucing her from that douchey friend of Jeff's. He'd been following her around and I was helping out. I'm sorry for what it looked like," Jane explained. She'd rehearsed those words all the way home. There was just enough truth in it for it to sound convincing.

"Okay a body shot is no big deal, but it kind of looked like you were taking your time about it it. And again, if nothing happened then why did you just leave like that?" Lauren's voice cracked a little on the words.

"I'm sorry, I just realised how drunk I was and thought I'd better go. I was just wasted," Jane touched Lauren's thigh comfortingly.

"Is that really all Jane? You'd tell me if you had a thing for Maura, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would," Jane said earnestly. She had never hated herself more than she did in that moment, telling a bald-faced lie to her best friend. But some lies were about protecting people - and that was okay, wasn't it? Telling Lauren how she felt might unburden her, but it would do unthinkable damage to their friendship. Jane couldn't lose Lauren. Not for a woman she'd just screw it up with anyway.

"Listen, I'm not a total fool. It's starting to become pretty obvious that Maura's not into me at all. These last few days hanging out with her have made that even more obvious. But I still like her."

"I know you do," Jane said softly. There was no need for her to contradict what Lauren had said - she wasn't able to try to give Lauren false hope on top of everything else.

"I know nothing's going to happen between us. She'll meet someone else soon, I'm sure, and I'll just have to deal with that. But Jane, it would kill me if that person was you."

Jane nodded in agreement, a lump forming in her throat. "That's never going to happen. It's really not like that, I swear."

"Okay. I believe you. Hug it out," Lauren ordered her, and they did. They lay down together and Lauren threw a leg over Jane, cuddling into her side.

"I'm so relieved. I so badly wanted to be wrong," Lauren sighed.

"I really am sorry Lauren. I'm an idiot when I drink," Jane said. It will still early, and they drifted off to sleep together, Jane still thinking about what she was going to have to do to make it right from now on.

When Lauren went home Jane sat on her bed, her hand resting over the receiver for long mintues before she was able to pick it up. Maura answered on the first ring.

"Can you meet me at the park? I need to talk to you," Jane said, holding her breath.

"I'll meet you there in an hour," Maura said briskly, and hung up. That was all they said. Jane wiped her sweating palms on her pants and got up to get ready.

She picked up some coffee on her way and was already sitting down at the spot by the lake by the time Maura got there. Maura looked as nervous as she felt, and stood for a moment fiddling with the strap of her handbag, frowning. It took a long time for her to settle herself on the ground, then she took the coffee from Jane and cupped it in her hands. She was staring down into it, switching between looking into her drink and looking out at the lake, and fidgeting. She never fidgeted.

Jane floundered. She had no idea where to start. "I'm sorry about last night."

Maura looked sideways at her. "What are you sorry for, exactly? For leaving or what happened before that?"

"Both," Jane said firmly. Pity she had no idea what to say next. She jogged her legs up and down and blew on the top of her coffee. There was no need for them to go into the details – despite what she'd told Lauren there was no mistaking what it had all really been about.

She heard Maura sigh. "If you asked me here to talk, please talk. I've found that I'm not very good at trying to figure out what you're thinking."

"I know that's my fault," Jane responded quickly. "I'm sorry I've been giving you such mixed messages."

Maura was nodding. "You have. Why?"

Jane shrugged. God, this conversation was going torturously slowly. She needed to jump in and just do it quickly. "I don't know Maura, but I know I've got to stop it. I'm really sorry if I've given you the impression that anything could happen between you and I. It can't." Everything in her rebelled at saying those words. In fact, it made her feel kind of sick. She knew Maura was attracted to her – she wondered how much. Did Maura think of her as often as Jane did her? Did she lie awake at night fantasising about kissing her, like she did Maura? She reflected on whether it hurt Maura to hear those words as much as it hurt her to say them.

She heard Maura exhale. "Okay. Why not?" Her voice was a mixture of sadness and resignation.

"Because of Lauren's feelings for you." Jane knew she was betraying Lauren even more by talking about her, but she had to tell the truth. She could see that she'd exhausted Maura with the way she'd been acting, and truth be told she had exhausted herself too. Jane was sure that she couldn't be telling Maura anything she wasn't already aware of, maybe she just didn't realize the extent of it. But Maura was looking at her with a confused expression. Could it be possible that she hadn't known?

"You're kidding me, you didn't know?" Maura shook her head. "Oh really, how could you not know, Maura?"

"She doesn't act any differently towards me than she did when we were at school. How should I have known?" Maura said, and she had the look of someone for whom everything is slipping into place.

"That's because she's _always_ liked you," Jane said. "Really Maura, you're an intelligent woman, you really didn't see it?"

"Don't insult me," Maura said. She was angry, and Jane had ever seen her so much as snap at anybody before now. Jane noted that she was putting her coffee cup down as though preparing for a fight. "Don't make this my fault. Perhaps I didn't see it because I was distracted by _you_."

"I'm sorry," Jane said contritely. She just couldn't believe it. She had always gone on the assumption that Maura must have some idea. Maura only had a tiny part of the picture, and Jane's behaviour must have looked even more appalling than she'd thought. How could Maura still like her, if she hadn't suspected her reasons for being so horrible?

"Do my feelings matter to you at all? All of this time you never had any intention of pursuing anything with me. I'm not a toy for you and Lauren to fight over," Maura said harshly.

"It hasn't been like that, please believe me." Jane took Maura's hand and held it between her own. She had to make Maura understand. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to make you feel like I was leading you on. That's not me."

"Apparently, it is," Maura said, gently pulling her hand away. "At least now everything makes sense. You've been so hot and cold. Are you even attracted to me, or is this just some competitive game you have going with your friend?"

"God, if you only knew," Jane said, her voice rising. Was she even _attracted? _She couldn't bear Maura think that she saw her as a play thing. She cleared her throat and tried to center herself, because she knew if this went on much longer she was going to cry. It wasn't fair to cry in front of Maura – not when she was the one who'd been doing all the hurting.

Jane drew a deep breath. This might be the only conversation they were able to have about this, and she wanted to do it right. "Just hear me out for a moment. I knew when I met you that Lauren had feelings for you. I tried not to notice you in that way, I mean to have those thoughts about you, but they just happened. I knew you might like me and I tried to make it stop. I wanted to discourage you. I've treated you terribly, Lauren too. And from the bottom of my heart, really, I'm sorry."

"Okay," Maura was nodding, looking like she was considering what she'd said. "I accept that you're being sincere now."

"So what now? What are we going to do?" Jane said anxiously.

"Nothing. I can't be around you anymore Jane, and obviously I can't be around Lauren either. It wouldn't be fair, knowing what I do now. I have no interest in coming between you. The only sensible thing for me to do is to withdraw from the situation and spend some time by myself."

The tears that had been threatening to spill from Jane's eyes at last began to drop. She wiped them away impatiently. "No Maura, please don't do that. I should have just never let it all get to this point. I'm begging you, Lauren can't know we had this conversation."

"What am I supposed to do then? Just pretend like nothing's going on?"

"I know I don't have any right to ask you, but yes. I really love spending time with you, even if it has to be as friends. And I think Lauren accepts that she can only be friends with you too. Let's just all go back to how we were," Jane pleaded.

Maura gazed out at the lake. She still looked angry, but her features had softened somewhat. "Okay, I'll try it. But Jane, if you ever pull anything like you did last night again . . . you'd better mean it."

"Thank you," Jane said meaningfully, trying to not think about the suggestiveness that could be read into Maura's words.

They each rose to leave. Gently, ever so slowly so that Maura would have the chance to tell her to go to hell if she wanted, Jane bent close so that she could hug Maura. She wasn't sure if she was trying to comfort Maura or herself.

"I'm sorry," she said again. They stood there for a long time, Jane trying to commit the feeling of holding Maura to memory. She brushed her hands over Maura's hair, wanting her to feel that she really did care and that she had never meant to cause any pain. Maura was soft and warm, and holding her felt right. Jane didn't want it to end. Maura was the first to pull away, and she said goodbye.

_Maura went home from the lake feeling devastated. She held it together long enough to get home, to shower and put on a pair of silk pajamas and dry her hair. But her anger only carried her so far, and then she sat on the couch, put her head in her hands, and sobbed._

_She felt so ridiculous. She felt like an actor in a play, one under the delusion that everyone and everything around them is real. Lauren and Jane had been playing out a drama that she had never been privy to, an invisible tug of war where she was the rope. _

_It was against her better judgement to keep spending time with them both, but her options were limited. Despite the way Jane had treated her, she felt a protective instinct towards her. And Lauren – perhaps Lauren really hadn't done anything wrong except for develop feelings for the wrong person. Lauren should not be punished for that. She herself had done the same thing. Then there was also the part of her that couldn't bear to be away from Jane. _

_Maura was bitterly disappointed. The night before, when she'd felt Jane's hot wet tongue on her neck, she'd been weak at the knees. She'd ignored Jane's obvious intoxication and focussed on the incontrovertible proof that Jane wanted her. She'd gone to the ladies' room to get away from that insipid man, and had futilely looked about for Jane when she came out, only to realise that she'd run. She knew she shouldn't be surprised – Jane's only static quality lately seemed to be her inconsistency. _

_But if she'd found Jane, she would have asked her to stay. She would have taken Jane to her room, and peeled off her layers. There would have been no more of that dancing around, that coming so close to touching and never pulling away. She knew that she would never be able to be alone with Jane again. She had only nearly kissed Jane, but it had done it for her in ways she wouldn't have believed. She would never be able to trust herself to not try to take what she wanted, no matter how many speeches Jane gave her about how it could never happen._

_Maura wondered what was wrong with her. Even in light of everything that had happened, she still just wanted Jane so badly. It bothered her that she was so attracted to someone who had treated her poorly. That had never happened before. Maybe she was suffering from some kind of attachment disorder; she had to consider her parents and their lack of warmth, their distant parenting style. She would have to do some further thinking about it._

_At least now she knew why Jane had been so distant with her at times. She held onto the fact that if it weren't for the situation, Jane would want to be with her._

_Maura put her fingers to her neck, remembering. _


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

There was only one thing Jane could do right now. Maybe that wasn't true – she could probably do something wholesome and life-affirming like go for a run or to the gym, go and sit at the lake and reflect on her life, or spend some time with her family. Well screw that, she was going to go and get fall-down drunk. She wanted to get as far away from the whole situation as she could, so she didn't call Lauren to go out for a beer like she normally would. Instead she called Rachel. She was one of the girls from the team who could always be counted on to want to party - even if they did have a game on the following night.

They went to a crappy Irish bar that Rachel liked for some unknown reason, probably because she could get lots of male attention there. Jane didn't mind. She wasn't too concerned with good conversation or ambience. All she wanted to punish herself and get so drunk that she wouldn't remember the people she'd hurt or the stupid things she'd been doing for the past month.

The night was a blur – some skeezy guys buying them drinks, Jane telling said skeezy guys to push off, and then flirting with a blonde woman who reminded her of Maura only not as beautiful because there was no such thing. Jane and the woman went outside 'for a walk', but when the woman tried to pull a move Jane ended up stepping away and then tearfully telling her about being hung up on a girl her best friend liked. The woman had been sympathetic but no doubt thought she was a moron. Rachel ended up herding her into a cab at the end of the night, looking concerned because Jane seemed kind of messy.

Jane couldn't remember going to bed, and woke up the next morning feeling worse than before. She told herself that she would heal in time. She'd needed to get last night out of her system; it would have to stop now.

They had a game on, that night. Jane drank gatorade all day long, trying to recover enough from her hangover to still be useful on the court. If her coach knew what she was getting up to in between games she'd get her ass handed to her; she was determined to not let it show. Rachel looked like she was struggling equally. It wasn't either of their best performances, but they both did okay. Back in the locker room Rachel slapped her on the back.

"I don't know how you do it Rizzoli, you're a wonder. Just 24 hours ago you were being a drunken whore-slut, and now look at you go," Rachel teased.

"Jane was being slutty?" Lauren asked quizzically.

"We went down to The Shamrock last night, it was kind of a last minute thing," Jane explained quickly.

"Cool, but I repeat, Jane was being slutty?" Lauren said with a grin on her face. She wasn't about to let it go any time soon.

"Picked up a little blonde thing. Did you get her number?" Rachel said.

"Nothing happened, which is more than I can say for you. Last thing I remember is you all over some dude," Jane replied, wiping her face with a towel.

After their showers they went back to the locker room. Lauren sat next to her as they were putting on their shoes and socks.

"Hey Maura's here. I'm giving her a ride home too," Lauren said. Jane searched Lauren's face as she spoke, but saw no signs of weirdness. It seemed that Lauren had really believed her. Just when she was starting to feel marginally better, the rush of the action on the court making her forget, the shame dug into her all over agin.

"Sure," Jane nodded casually. Begging off and going home by herself wasn't an option. Lauren wasn't stupid – she would know something was up.

_She has a damn good poker face_, Jane thought when Maura said hello to her, and she wondered if her own was quite as convincing. They had an exchange about how was going to sit where, Maura insisting that she take the front seat. Jane slid into the front and turned the radio on. She glanced back and saw Maura pulling out her phone, playing with the keypad as they pulled out.

"So who was this girl?" Lauren asked her as they drove.

"Huh? Oh, nobody," Jane answered, her gut churning. She should have known that Lauren wouldn't let it go that easily. Fucking Rachel.

"What happened?" Lauren asked. There was no reason for Lauren to think that this subject _wasn't _okay to talk about in front of Maura – Jane had made sure of that with her lying. Jane was conscious of Maura sitting behind them. She didn't dare look back at her to see if she'd reacted. Jane desperately tried to think of a way to shut Lauren up or change the subject. She was at a loss.

"Nothing, we just talked," Jane said bluntly. She picked up her back-pack and started rifling through it, doing anything she could think of to act disinterested in the conversation.

"Didn't sound like nothing." Lauren teased, not noticing the warning in Jane's voice.

"It's no big deal, drop it," Jane said quietly.

"Ohhhhhkay," Lauren said, bemused. Jane had always been a little sensitve about who she slept with. "Hey Maura, want to go and see that new Coen brothers movie this weekend? Jane won't go, she says it looks boring."

"Certainly, I've heard Frances McDormand is spectacular in it," Maura replied. There was no trace of anything in her voice. But when she said good bye to them both, Jane imagined that she heard a dismissive tone when Maura said her name.

Jane sat tensely all of the rest of the way home. She was buried deep in a hole – and it seemed like she just kept digging, no way of trying to climb her way out.

It took her a couple of hours to make the decision to go over to Maura's house. Jane was crawling out of her skin because she was just so tired of thinking. She didn't want to call ahead to ask if it was okay, because she was worried that Maura would just ignore her or tell her not to come over.

Maura opened the door and looked her up and down, and she didn't look terribly surprised to see her. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you," Jane said. She shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at Maura nervously.

Maura turned and walked away leaving the door open, so Jane assumed that it was okay for her to go inside. She shut the door behind her and followed Maura with her eyes all of the while, trying to read her mood. Was Maura upset? Was she just plain angry? Jane had no idea. Maura had gone over to the kitchen to open the fridge. She was still in the outfit she'd been wearing at the game – a pencil skirt and silk blouse.

"Do you want something to drink?" Maura asked, holding the door open while she rummaged around.

"No, thank you," Jane said, pushing hair back from her face.

Maura got herself out a bottle of water and walked over to the couch, motioning towards it with her hand. "Sit down." Jane did, and Maura sat beside her, placing her water bottle on a coaster.

"I'm sorry," Jane said. "Listen, I mean it when I said nothing happened last night."

"Why are you apologising to me when we're not even dating?" Maura asked, as though genuinely curious. She'd clasped her hands formally in her lap. Jane was beginning to get the feeling that maybe she wasn't as emotionless as she was acting – there were telltale signs. A slight shakiness to her hands, a jerkiness to her movements.

"I know, but I wish you hadn't heard that. I was feeling down, and really we just talked," Jane said, stumbling over her words. She was desperate to be believed but any justification sounded lame to her own ears, she could only imagine how it must sound to Maura. Maura was just sitting, looking down at her hands.

"Do you want me to go?" Jane asked. This whole thing was futile if Maura wasn't even going to talk to her. She had truly wanted to apologise for how things had looked but now that she'd accomplished that, getting stonewalled was making her feel even lower than before. But then Maura broke into her thoughts.

"Did you really not sleep with her?"

"No, of course not. I wouldn't even let her kiss me," Jane said softly. She moved her hand and rested it lightly on Maura's knee, trying to show that she was sincere. Maura stared down at it then shook her head slightly. Jane pulled it away quickly, not wanting to anger Maura.

"See, here's the thing Jane. I've been thinking. I'm not a piece of property anyone can put dibs on. I'm not a car, and its not possible to call shotgun on me." Maura pointed out. She was drawing closer to Jane, and she picked up Jane's hand again and put it back where it had been on her leg. Jane felt the touch go right through her, Maura's skin was velvet smooth. "Nobody owns me. There are other options you haven't considered, Jane. Have you thought about telling Lauren how you feel?"

"You know it's not that simple," Jane said distractedly. She looked down at Maura's leg where the other woman's hand was now covering her own. "Maura, you know why this can't happen, I thought you understood . . ."

"But Jane, it's already happening. If it weren't, you wouldn't have come over," Maura said. What difference did it make if they touched, when they had been seeing each other emotionally for the last month? She moved forward and pushed Jane's hair back from her face. She leaned in slowly, giving Jane plenty of opportunity to pull away if that was what she wanted.

_Maura watched while Jane stared at her lips, most likely not aware that she was biting her own lip and looking hungrily at Maura. Jane's eyes had gone even darker than usual. Maura felt like she wanted to make this moment last forever – the pleasing sense of anticipation; the awareness of being on the edge of something longed for. She felt Jane's hand slide up over her knee and grip her thigh and she knew for sure then that Jane was going to let her._

Jane felt Maura lean forward and touch Jane's lips with her own, feather light, and the sensation was so sweet. She lifted up her hands and put them around Maura's neck and Maura pushed her gently against the back of the couch. One of Maura's hands was on her face, stroking it with her thumb, and the other one came down to her waist. Maura kissed her harder and she tasted her lips, there was a burning hotness building between them that made her feel dizzy.

_Maura pulled away for a second, just to look at her, to see how beautiful she was. She could hear her own breathing, and Jane's, and then Jane eagerly captured her lips again. Maura deepened the kiss, teasing Jane's mouth open with her lips and sliding her tongue along Jane's. She heard Jane moan and gave an answering shudder. They kissed for what felt like hours, though it could only have been minutes. Maura wanted more. She pulled away from Jane a second time and caught need, want, and disappointment all rolled into her expression. "It's okay," Maura whispered, because all she meant to do was to re-position herself. She moved so that she was straddling Jane and Jane's expression changed so that her eyes had widened, as though she couldn't believe what was happening._

Jane put her hands on Maura's legs, feeling where her skirt had ridden up a little bit. She stroked the exposed skin while Maura leaned down to kiss her again, Maura's hands braced behind her against the couch. Maura was moving against her and she skimmed her hands up Maura's body until she was gripping her hips. She broke apart from Maura's mouth to place kisses along her jawline and then down to Maura's neck, licking and kissing it, the memory from a couple of nights before rising to the surface. This was what she'd wanted then; the freedom to really kiss Maura, to taste her like she really needed to. She felt Maura gasp, her hands going into Jane's hair, urging her even closer.

_Maura_ _felt Jane's hands splayed out across her hips, her lips and tongue at her throat. She had imagined it being like this; but reality rarely matched fantasy as wholly as this. In fact, it surpassed it. Jane's touch was just right, so attentive and giving, and she was rough and gentle in equal parts. Maura could not remember a time when she'd been so turned on – if this was foreplay heaven help her when things went further. _

Jane could not wait any longer. She drew up Maura's blouse and reached up to feel the soft skin underneath, the soft planes of Maura's stomach. She watched Maura's face, their eyes locked. Jane cupped her hand over Maura's breast, over the fabric of her bra, running her thumb over the hardened tip. She felt Maura grind against her with the shock of it and then they were kissing once more.

"God Jane," Maura said, her voice husky.

"You are so beautiful Maura," Jane said in a rush. It was a relief to say the words that she'd been thinking from the moment they met.

"So are you." Maura leaned her forehead against Jane's, then raised up to kiss Jane's temple. Jane's hand had stilled. They both sensed that they'd almost reached the point of no return, when they had to make a decision. Jane removed her hand slowly, smoothing out Maura's top and stroking her sides over her blouse. She pulled Maura close so that she could speak into her ear.

"I want you so badly. But I don't want it to be like this. You're right, I need to try and work this out," Jane said, her voice thick with emotion. She felt Maura nodding against her.

Jane held Maura in her arms, breathing in the scent of her hair, letting them both come down, waiting for the heat to die a little bit.

_I'm going to have you, and you're going to be all mine,_ Jane thought.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Hello again! I'm baaaaaaaaaack. I hope somebody still cares – yes that was a shameless pandering for reviews.**_

_**Thanks for all your well wishes, I thought that was really sweet. I'm Australian and I went to the US for a few weeks, I had an absolute blast despite the fact that they have really weird toilets. If someone hadn't warned me before I went I would have thought they were all broken. I had the time of my life and now I want to go back there, although I'm not sure how soon I'd want to repeat the experience of jet lag.**_

_**Hope you like this one.**_

**Chapter Nine**

Jane drove home from Maura's tapping her fingers on the steering wheel and shifting in her seat, her stomach fluttering the whole way. Before she'd assumed that if she were to give in to her feelings she would be guilt-ridden and downright disgusted with herself. It was true that she felt awful but her sense of elation was almost enough to override it. Because what had just happened? She'd never felt anything that pulled at her emotions and her body in that way at the same time.

When she'd first kissed a girl she'd been excited but also a little disappointed. It hadn't quite lived up to her hopes. She'd imagined that when she kissed a woman it would be something earth-shattering, full of sensation and a million miles away from the dry dead kisses she'd shared with boys. Instead it had always felt good, it had always felt _better, _but then there'd been a secret suspicion that she were missing out on something. Now she knew what that was. She already missed feeling Maura close to her, and for once she didn't feel like running away.

Maura had drawn back from her, kissing her on the forehead before standing to straighten up her clothes. Jane gained a little satisfaction from seeing that she looked unbalanced on her feet.

Jane had taken Maura's hands in her own, looking into her eyes to seal her promise. "Just give me a few days. I'll get there, but I'm going to need a little time."

"I understand," Maura had smiled at her. "And I trust you." She'd walked away and Jane had watched her, grinning when Maura looked over her shoulder and caught Jane staring at her legs. It took everything she had not to throw her down on the couch to pick up where they'd left off.

When she was safely back in her bedroom and away from temptation Jane paced up and down, biting at her thumbnail. Lauren had sent a text message to say that she was on her way over. Surely the right thing to do would be to tell her now, before the lie got too much bigger. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of it, her earlier bravado about the situation melting away the more she tried to visualise how Lauren would react. And then she would immediately think about Maura, and how much it would let her down if she didn't fix this whole thing soon.

She was interruped in her thoughts when Lauren walked through her bedrooom door. "Hey, Jane," Lauren said, hugging her hello. "Ugh, I'm so glad to be out of that room. I can't get this essay finished, I know I'm going to have to pull an all nighter tonight."

"So . . . shouldn't you be home doing it then?" Jane asked her, pointing out the obvious.

"I wanted to come and get free dinner," Lauren replied, as though the answer was self-evident. It was a long-running joke between them because Lauren always claimed she would barely survive on the dorm cafeteria food. "What's wrong with you?"

"What? Nothing," Jane said, purposefully smoothing out her expression. There'd never be a right time, but now wasn't even close.

There was no chance of staying away, in fact it felt like a long time until she could go back to Maura's the next evening. Jane knew Lauren would be sleep-deprived and not up for anything, so she reasoned that this made it extra okay for her to go over to Maura's by herself. Maura beamed at her when she opened the door, her eyebrows raised in the question she didn't need to ask. Jane shook her head, feeling like scum at the look of disappointed that clouded Maura's face for a moment.

"She had an essay due today, I knew she was going to be up all night studying," Jane explained quickly, wary of sounding like she were making excuses.

"Okay," Maura replied simply, acceping the reason without question.

"I hope it's not presumptuous to ask if I can come in for a while? I thought maybe we could order in dinner?" Going out wasn't an option, Jane knew that they couldn't risk being seen alone together in case it got back to Lauren.

"Not at all, come in, just a moment," Maura said. She went to the kitchen and retrieved a folder from a drawer, then put it down on the coffee table between them. "I've got all the menus from the restaurants in the local area."

Jane tried to resist laughing, lest she hurt Maura's feelings. The folder was tabbed and collated into categories according to the type of cuisine. She had never met anyone so organized before, although she had to admit it did make things easy. They ordered and then agreed to dine outside on the small balcony; it went unsaid between them that they felt confined to Maura's apartment by the deception and wanted to make it feel otherwise. Maura laid out a blanket on the ground and they sat cross-legged, looking out at the city lights while they ate.

When they were done they lay side by side on the blanket, Maura had kicked off her shoes and motioned for Jane to do the same. Jane put her arms behind her head and looked up at the stars. Maura's company made her feel good in a way she couldn't remember feeling before; it made her feel so happy to think about how things would be even better once they were out in the open. At the moment she knew they were trying to ignore the shadow cast over them.

Jane rolled over to her side to see Maura already in the same position, staring at her. Jane reached out and ran her hand along Maura's arm.

"I hope you know I _will_ talk to her soon. I don't want you to think I'm stringing you along," Jane said.

"I know," Maura replied, in the same matter-of-fact tone she'd used earlier when they'd briefly talked about Lauren.

Jane propped herself up on her elbow. "I'm not quite sure what I've done to earn your trust, but I appreciate it."

Maura raised her shoulder in a shrug. "You give off a certain type of aura. I get the feeling your intentions will always be honorable, whether you quite match up to that or not," she said, smiling to show that she meant no harm.

"Oh I do, do I?" Jane said mockingly, but she was pleased. She liked the way she looked through Maura's eyes. She reached over and drew her finger against Maura's cheek, paying special attention to a dimple. "I really want to kiss you."

Jane saw Maura's eyes widen almost imperceptibly. "Then why don't you?"

She bit her lip, trying to rationalize what she wanted. "Well, I suppose we've already crossed that line, so there's no harm in just a kiss. Although it was kind of hard to stop last time."

Maura was gazing down at her mouth. "It was, I agree."

"So what should we do?" she desperately wanted Maura to give her the green light, and was doing her best to goad her into it.

"Well, there is a simple solution to this problem. We should agree upon some terms before we begin, and then if either of us violates any of those terms it's up to the other person to identify it and withdraw. And we should separate ourselves, one of us staying out here until things cool down."

"Okay . . . I like this plan. So it goes without saying that we remain clothed at all times. No skin," Jane said, sneaking a look at Maura's cleavage. It would be hard but not impossible.

"And everything that happens must occur on top of the clothes," Maura added.

"Absolutely," Jane agreed. She shuffled closer to Maura, who rolled to lay on her back. Still on her side, Jane placed an arm underneath Maura's head to cradle her in her arms. She stared down at Maura, who was looking up at her seriously. Jane took in her slightly parted lips and when she was close enough to feel Maura's breath it was quickened. Her hand fluttered lightly over Maura's throat and then they were kissing.

For a long time they lay there tasting each other's mouths leisurely. Jane licked along Maura's sensitive lower lip and bit it gently, doing it again when she saw the reaction it evoked. They were each painfully aware of their agreement and were focused on taking it slow but the heat built just as high, and it didn't take much longer for it to happen than it did the last time.

Jane, remembering that the agreement left a loophole in regards to touching _above _the clothes, slid her palm along Maura's ribcage and up to her breast. "Is this okay?" she asked, and when Maura nodded enthusiastically she squeezed, cupping it in her hand. Knowing that she was walking a very fine line she kissed down Maura's chest, pulling down her top a little. She took a breast in each hand and ran her tongue along her collarbone, fluttering kisses over her chest. She could feel intimately how hard Maura was breathing. Maura's hands reached down, grabbing her ass to pull her closer.

Eventually Maura rolled her onto her back, moving her hands up and down Jane's sides, reaching for the bottom of Jane's shirt before pulling back. Jane liked to think that if things continued down that path she'd stop it, but she knew that wasn't the whole truth. Maura touched Jane across her stomach, her fingers everywhere, exploring the muscles underneath the fabric of her shirt. Jane moaned when Maura put her mouth on one of nipples, flicking her tongue over it, dampening the material. She could feel Maura pressing into her, their thighs intertwined.

Jane had a moment of clarity, realizing that they were dry humping like teenagers, and she stilled the movement of her hips. Maura must have noticed her slipping away, because she pulled back giving her one last kiss on the lips. They turned onto their backs, each of them panting.

"I think we should have tightened that agreement perhaps, it left a lot of room for interpretation," Maura rasped out. Jane laughed, taking Maura's hand and marvelling that her stomach still did cartwheels despite how much closer they'd been moments earlier.

"What's your favorite song?" Maura asked abruptly.

"I don't know. I always loved Janis Joplin ever since I was a little kid. I like Kosmic Blues," Jane said. She didn't ask why Maura wanted to know, figuring that she was making conversation to distract them.

"I don't know her very well, but I like her version of Summertime," Maura replied.

"What's yours?"

"Hmm . . . something by Edith Piaf. Milord maybe."

"I don't know who that is. Sounds like we have really different taste though," she pointed out.

"That's not bad. It's good when people have different types of knowledge that can be shared, it broadens one's horizons."

"Filling in each other's gaps right?"

Maura moved over towards Jane, lifting up her arm so that she could lie with her head on Jane's chest. Jane imagined that she must be able to feel the pounding of her heart. She put her fingers in Maura's hair, and kissed her temple, ignoring the coming storm.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Before you read this let me tell you that its always darkest before the dawn. Anyone who's gotten this far probably won't expect any different of me than a healthy dose of angst, hopefully :) And may I say I feel very appreciated – I should go away more often, my ego is loving you all right now.**_

_**Xbroadwaycastle: I grant your high five and also add oi oi oi! Yay for us for finding this show even though I only realised recently they even screen it here. Bless the internet, right?**_

_**Tuckp3 and System D Rail: First thanks and secondly onto the toilet thing. Australian toilets have a much lower water level in the bowl. I can't believe I've started a toilet discussion in my fanfic lol.**_

_**Tdor: Thank you and that's a really great observation about Milord, I wish I could say I'd thought of that parallel first. I love the way things like that can happen by accident.**_

**Chapter Ten**

Jane returned to Maura's apartment at mid-morning the next day. This time she brought croissants, donuts and coffee. She'd waited at the door nervously, worrying that she might appear to be overly eager by coming over again so soon (especially seeing as she hadn't called). Staying away just felt out of the question - she craved Maura's company too much. She knew this period couldn't last but she wanted it to stretch out forever, a time when she hadn't hurt Lauren yet and everything felt okay. Her remorse bubbled underneath the surface, ever present, but it wasn't enough to threaten what she and Maura had together.

Any fears about being unwelcome had been dispelled as soon as Maua smiled at her, swinging the door back and waving her inside. They'd read the morning paper together, drank coffee, and then of course they'd had another agonising, torturously good make-out session on the couch. Once again they'd pushed the boundaries, driving one another crazy in the best possible way.

They hadn't talked about Lauren at all this time. Maura didn't ask about her and Jane didn't tell, though she felt a panicky feeling in her gut when Maura mentioned that she had plans to catch up with Lauren later in the day. Just hearing Lauren's name made her feel anxious, but she tried to dismiss the thought. It was only a matter of time now before she had that dreaded conversation with Lauren – it may even be that night, or the next.

Jane walked out of Maura's apartment feeling fifty feet tall. She imagined that her hair must be tousled, and her body still felt aroused and warm, all liquid. For a few moments she'd ceased thinking about anything; she'd stopped thinking about her guilt and regret and how her emotions were tangling her life up in a way that she'd always done her best to avoid. All she was thinking about in that moment was Maura and the taste of her skin.

She'd been staring straight ahead, striding towards the elevator with her hands in her pockets – pracically whistling in giddy happiness when Lauren appearred. They were walking towards one another and they each saw the other at what felt like the exact same moment. In twin formation their feet stopped moving. The smile melted from Jane's face and was replaced by a look of horror, while Lauren's face was a mask of confusion.

"Jane? What are you doing here?" Lauren asked.

"Oh, we . . . um. We were just having brunch. I'm sorry we didn't invite you, I figured you'd still be beat after your essay," Jane lied, not thinking about how she was just digging a deeper hole, just wanting to get away. She wasn't ready, she hadn't prepared.

"I was bringing her some lunch, actually," Lauren replied, frowning over Jane's shoulder, the clues obviously piling up. "We were supposed to catch up later but I was around so I thought. . . " She was now glaring at Jane, and it was clear that she'd read the whole story on Jane's guilty face. "Why don't you take it to her?"

Lauren dumped the take out containers she'd been carrying onto the floor, which was probably the most dramatic thing Jane had ever seen her do, and turned away. Jane followed her back to the elevator and watched helplessly as Lauren started mashing at the down button. She looked back over her shoulder, hoping that Maura wouldn't hear Lauren's raised voice and complicate things further by coming outside.

She put her hand up and tried to touch Lauren's shoulder, and Lauren jumped away from her. "Lauren, wait. Let's go somewhere and talk, I've been wanting to talk to you . . ."

"Don't bother. You lied right in my face about this. It's bad enough that you had to go after the person that you know I'm interested in, but you've been sneaking around behind my back!"

"I'm sorry Lauren. I didn't mean for this to happen, I've been trying to do the right thing but -" she spoke fast, trying to get as much of it out as she could while Lauren was still listening. They argued back and forth with Jane trying to explain, but it was too hard. It was impossible to defend herself when there was no justification for what she'd done.

Suddenly Lauren turned to her, her voice dropping, her tone now measured and cold. "You know what? Why don't you just go ahead? Do whatever you want! You always will anyway. You're selfish. Wait til Maura finds that out because she will. You're incapable of thinking about anyone but yourself. You'll hurt her and this time I won't be around to pick up the pieces. You've just thrown our friendship away for another failure - so have fun. Cos I never want to see you again."

Jane was holding her breath. She felt winded, like she'd been punched in the gut. Learning what Lauren really thought was even more painful than she'd imagined. What kind of a person did her best friend think she was – the one person who was supposed to think well of her? Lauren didn't look the least bit sorry about what she'd said and it was clear that she meant every bit of it. Lauren was watching her face, making sure that her words had landed and then she turned to walk away towards the stairs.

Jane stood stock still for a moment when the door swung shut behind Lauren. Her first instinct was to go back to Maura's and tell her what had happened. Instead she picked up the mess from the floor, too numb to cry. She didn't deserve to go in there and ask for comfort – it would only make her feel worse. When the elevator doors opened she stepped inside.

Jane could hear her cell ringing that night, and when the caller ID showed Maura's number she switched it to silent. All she had the strength to do was stay in bed, which was where she'd gone as soon as she got home.

Of course she'd known it was going to end up like this, with Lauren furious at her, but she hadn't been able to predict exactly how bad it would feel. How could she just go and play happy couples with Maura after what had happened? She'd broken her best friend's heart. In the end it wasn't Maura who had the power to hurt Lauren this much. It was only her, who was supposed to be the constant while lovers came and went. Lauren had been the only person to stand by her the last few years - through her bad moods and bullshit - and she had repaid her with this.

The next day she didn't get out of bed when she was supposed to, knowing that she couldn't face classes. Her mom had come in to fuss over her and lay a palm over Jane's forehead; Jane had swatted her away and groaned at her to leave her be. Eventually she grew tired of being in bed and got up to shower, thinking that she might go for a walk and get some air.

When she returned to her room towel-drying her hair, clothed in an old baseball shirt and sweat pants, she jumped. Maura was sitting on her bed with her hands clasped in her lap. Even with the night she'd had Jane felt self-consciousness at looking like such a slob in front of Maura.

"Hey," she said. Maura stood to greet her and Jane avoided her, instead arranging her towel over the back of a chair and then sitting down in it. Maura had put out a hand - presumably for a hug - and she covered the movement by brushing a hand through her hair and smoothing out her dress.

"What's going on?" Maura asked.

"She came over to your place yesterday. She saw me in the hall," Jane explained, clearing her throat and crossing her arms. She looked down at the floor and studied the messy carpet. Her clothes were strewn all over it.

"Oh. She didn't show up for the lunch we had planned. And neither of you were taking my calls," Maura said pointedly. "Was it bad?"

Jane scoffed sarcastically, hating the sound as it came out. "Yeah. It was bad."

"At least it's out in the open now, yes?" Maura replied, her voice thin and anxious.

"I think I – I think I . . ." Jane struggled. She did not want to cry in front of Maura. She hadn't shed a tear since her confrontation with Lauren but being confronted with Maura's face made her want to now. Maura approached her and Jane put her hands out in front to show that she didn't want to be touched. "I can't do this now. I can't act like nothing's happened."

"I'm not asking you to. I know this must hurt Jane, but don't push me away. I can help you, I can be there for you," she said softly.

"No. I need some space," Jane mumbled. It sounded so clichéd she was embarrassed to say it, but it was how she felt. She'd spent the entire night wondering how she had ever thought she was going to be able to navigate a relationship with Maura after all this. Lauren's words had hit home in a spectacular fashion. She was certain that even if she tried to make things work with Maura she'd screw it up, and be left alone without her best friend to comfort her. All of Maura's faith in her had been misplaced; she'd felt all along that she didn't deserve it and had done her best to turn a blind eye to those feelings.

She finally risked a look at Maura, and her face beyond sad. She couldn't bear to look at it. "Maura, I think you'd be better off with someone else."

"Why would you say that?" Maura said sharply. It was quiet for a long time and Jane could feel Maura's eyes on her. "I know this must be terribly difficult for you. I didn't intend to put pressure on you by coming over here today, but I think you should understand how in the dark I was feeling."

Jane sighed, rubbing her eyes. "It's not that. I do understand, and I'm sorry I didn't take your call. But that's the kind of thing I do, Maura. I avoid. You don't really know me at all. I've never even been in a real relationship before, I'm not good at this stuff."

She finally looked at Maura properly, who gazed back at her, shocked. "Perhaps you should have considered such things before you began pursuing me. Or is it just the thrill of the chase for you?"

Jane shook her head – the thought that Maura could believe that horrified her. How could she even begin to explain? Maybe it was better that Maura should think the worst of her, it would be easier for Maura if she could just hate her. Her eyes drifted to the floor, and then out the window, wishing she were anywhere but here. Maura picked up her handbag. Her movements were slow, as though she were hoping that somehow the outcome would change.

Jane didn't say a word as she walked out of the door. It was already too late.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Thanks for all your reviews, and please JoBethMegAmy never apologize for leaving more than one! **_

_**And thanks to everyone who is staying with this story even though I'm sure everyone would like to slap Jane, even I do. I'm aware she's acting kind of out of character and not like the bad-ass we all know and love. She's being a younger, less confident Jane and I promise I'm going somewhere with it.**_

**Chapter Eleven**

Jane had never felt so lost; she was in free fall. She couldn't stop replaying the confrontation with Lauren over and over in her mind, hearing her words like an echo. In the moments when she wasn't thinking about that, she was picturing Maura's face when she'd told her about not wanting a relationship. In truth she didn't know what she wanted – she had begun missing Maura as soon as she'd walked out of the door, feeling an aching loss for what they could have had. She wished she could take it back.

She tried calling Lauren too many times to count. Lauren had turned off her phone and Jane hung up on the voicemail again and again. The days all blurred into one another. She'd missed more classes than she had in the last few years put together and was spending most of her time in bed or out walking by herself. She'd barely eaten and she could never sleep for more than a few hours at a time. If she and Lauren were still friends she had no doubt that Lauren would tell her she were wallowing in her misery.

After a few days she broke. She picked up the phone and dialled Maura's number with her heart pounding. It rang a couple of times before it was answered, Maura not saying anything.

"Maura?" she said into the silence.

"What do you want?" Maura sighed. Her voice didn't sound angry or rude, just as tired as she herself felt.

"I just wanted to apologize for how things have turned out." _I just wanted to hear your voice – I just wanted to feel okay for a moment, _she added in her head.

More silence, and then she was gone. Jane wasn't surprised that Maura had hung up on her. She held her phone to her ear for a few seconds and then put it down, sitting on her hands to stop herself from pushing the call button again.

That weekend she missed a game for the first time in forever. She'd been feigning illness all week and it wasn't hard to convince her mom to call the coach. Angela looked at her suspiciously, wondering why she wouldn't just call herself. For once she let it go; she'd been nagging Jane for days to go and see a doctor but Jane kept blowing her off.

By the second week she'd grown tired of doing nothing but feel sorry for herself, so she started going back to class ocassionally. Her half-hearted return to normal life did not extend to basketball. She didn't show up to training and ignored the calls of some of her friends. When the weekend rolled around again she knew she couldn't miss another game without trouble, from both the coach and from her folks.

Jane walked into the locker room with a heavy heart, wondering how many of the others knew that she and Lauren weren't talking. They weren't a particularly gossip-y team, but things like this tended to get around. If they knew nobody said anything and everyone treated her the same, except for Lauren of course who didn't so much as glance in her direction.

It turned out to be the worst game she'd ever played. She fumbled passes and her lack of energy from not looking after herself meant that she couldn't run for shit. Her coach pulled her off at half time and put her on the bench. Her apathy spread through the team like a virus and they lost. She tried to ignore the accusing eyes of her team-mates. In the locker room after the game she got bawled out in front of everyone, the coach telling her that if she were still sick she should have stayed at home. She got up halfway through the tirade and walked out.

"Where the hell are you going Rizzoli?"

"I quit," she said, throwing the words over her shoulder as she went.

"Go and cool down for God's sake, this isn't a high school team," her coach said dismissively, figuring she was just blowing off steam. Jane had meant it. She didn't care about anything right now.

"Jane?"

She turned around warily at the sound of Lauren's voice.

"What are you doing? You can't lose your scholarship now, it's the last semester." Lauren knew she was for real. She knew Jane well enough to know that she wasn't screwing around with this.

"I don't care," Jane said honestly.

"Are you together now?"

"No," Jane said, a pleading tone in her voice.

Lauren looked her up and down, taking in the dark circles under her eyes and the greasy hair she hadn't bothered to wash. Jane felt a spark of hope at the fact that Lauren was even talking to her, and cared enough to follow her out. But then Lauren muttered a 'whatever' and turned around to go back.

It was time to go out and do something, _anything._ She was climbing the walls and she was definitely on the edge of a screaming match with her mother, who wouldn't leave her alone. She decided to give Rachel a call, it would be a good distraction from how shitty her life had become lately. Rachel was fun, but more importantly she was so self-absorbed she wouldn't notice that anything was wrong. Jane just wanted to forget for a night.

She suggested that they go to a bar in Maura's neighbourhood, not because she was planning to go to her place - maybe she just wanted to be close. It was a warm night and they got a table outside. Jane's predictions had been accurate; Rachel didn't even ask her about her abrupt quitting of the team. She sipped on her beer slowly in order to avoid getting drunk and morose too early, and listened while Rachel talked about some guy she was into. Rachel went to the bar and disappeared for a while and Jane was unfussed, assuming that she'd run into someone inside. Most likely someone with a penis, so Jane didn't expect her back any time soon.

She occupied herself with people watching, searching their faces. She hadn't wanted to admit to herself how much she was hoping she would see Maura. Looking across the street she saw two women, one of them the right shape to be Maura, but lately she'd started seeing her everywhere. It took a few seconds to realize that it actually _was _her, and she was out of her seat before she had time to think. She ran across the street, crossing against the lights and calling her name as she closed the distance. When she was still too far away to hear she saw Maura say something to the person she was with, who nodded and started to go. Jane tried to stay a respectful distance away until she'd gone.

"I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?"

"Not what you're thinking. I'm trying to make new friends. It's never been something that comes easily to me," Maura said. Jane realized that she looked rattled, but at least she hadn't run away yet.

"Right, well, I'm sorry. I was just having a beer and I saw you," she explained, pointing her thumb backwards across the street. The last thing she wanted was for Maura to think she was following her or something. "Would you like to come and join me for a little while?"

"I don't think so," Maura said, pulling the strap of her handbag higher on to her shoulder, looking like she were ready to run now._ Who could blame her_, Jane thought dejectedly. She hadn't been expecting Maura to stop to talk to her anyway, she'd just had to try. If only she could prolong this moment just a little bit. She'd made so many mistakes and didn't want this to be another one.

She put her hands in front of her in the begging stance. "C'mon, you've already sent off your friend. Just one beer, and then I'll walk you home."

Maura didn't appear to even consider it. "No."

"Please?"

"_No. _Jane. I'm going home," she said firmly.

"Well then, how about I just walk you home?"

"How about you don't?" Maura said. It was the first time Jane had ever heard her sound sarcastic and she felt put in her place. Maura turned to go, but at the last moment she turned back around. "All right, you can walk me home. But that's it," she added, already leaving. Jane fell into step beside her and tried to keep up with Maura's fast pace.

"Actually, that's not it. You owe me an explanation," Maura said abruptly, turning to face Jane. Jane looked around them awkwardly. Nobody was listening but they were in a very public place; it was not what she pictured when she thought about getting to state her case.

"Here? Can't we talk when we get to your place?"

"Okay, but you're not coming inside."

They passed the rest of the time in silence. Jane watched Maura's face as they rode in the elevator, the tension between them growing with every floor they rose. She thought she might be able to see a blush creeping over Maura's neck. She felt like grabbing Maura; and despite everything that happened she was starting to think that Maura felt the same way. As soon as they stepped out Maura turned to her again, crossing her arms. Jane fumbled, pushing her hands in her pockets. She knew this was probably her one chance and didn't want to blow it. She'd been rehearsing words all of the way here, but they all sounded so stupid in her head.

Maura, obviously tired of waiting for her to take the lead, jumped in with a question. "What has this all been about? You don't make sense Jane, I've looked at it from every angle."

Jane's eyes darted towards her and then away. "I know I don't. Maybe I can't explain it."

"Oh stop being obtuse, Jane. I can't figure out if you really don't know your motivations or if you're just a really poor communicator," she said.

Jane shifted on her feet uncomfortably. Maura didn't sound unkind, she sounded genuinely puzzled. She knew she would be too if she were in her position.

"I guess it's a little bit of both. You have this idea of me, that I'm _honorable_ I think you said, but I'm not like that. I was thinking that I wouldn't be good for you. I was being selfish, and then I realized that," she explained in fits and starts, leaving out the fact that Lauren had pointed out her selishness in a brutal way.

"Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?"

Jane shrugged, unsure what Maura was driving at. "I guess so?"

"It means that you've been behaving in ways that have caused your prediction to come true. You don't know what the outcome of a relationship between you and I would be. This is about your actions, Jane, and nothing else," she said.

"I know myself. I know what I am and am not capable of, and my feeling at the time was that I'd hurt you," Jane said stubbornly.

Maura stepped up to her, frustrated. "For your information Jane, you didn't spare me any pain. You've already hurt me more than you realize. And if you really cared, you would stop inventing reasons to not be with me."

Jane stared at her. Jane couldn't move, her feet rooted to the spot, and she couldn't think of anything to say. _What if I've changed my mind, _she wanted to ask, but she knew she wouldn't be able to bear it when Maura said no to her.

"Just answer me one thing. Did something about our last night together discourage you? Did you realize you weren't that attracted to me, is that it?" Maura asked. Her voice was unwavering and confident in the way it had been since they'd run into one another, but Jane could see tell-tale signs that it was a hard question for her to ask.

Jane laughed in disbelief. "That's really not it."

"Don't laugh at me. It's the logical assumption to make. That's the last time we were together. Often people come up with excuses – _I'm not ready for a relationship, I've been hurt too much before, _variations of the 'it's not you it's me' thing. It's what people say when they don't want the other person," Maura said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you," Jane said quickly. "But you're barking up the wrong tree with that. The way I am when I'm with you – I couldn't fake that." She reached out and put her hand on Maura's arm. When Maura didn't immediately pull away she stroked it upwards, letting it settle on her shoulder. It felt so good to touch her again. She swallowed hard and their eyes locked to one another's.

Maura put a hand on her waist, and then she was being pulled downward, Maura's arms encircling her neck as she came forward to kiss her. Maura's tongue entered her mouth forcefully, now pushing her back against the wall. It was enough to make her light headed, having Maura come at her with such hunger. As soon as she had recovered from the shock she responded quickly, moving her mouth against Maura's, her hands moving up and down Maura's bare arms and shoulders.

When they broke for air Jane was gasping for it. "I'm not complaining but what are you doing?"

"I need to get you out of my system. Just tonight, do you understand? If we don't do this I'll always wonder," Maura whispered the words to her, gazing at her intently, using her hands to frame Jane's face.

Jane nodded. There were a million reasons why this was a bad idea, but she certainly wasn't going to stop it now.

She could feel herself trembling as Maura pushed her hair back from her face to kiss her again. It was different from the other times they'd been together. It had always been passionate but Maura was being almost rough with her now, and she found that it was just what she needed. Maura's hand was at the back of her head, keeping them close as they kissed, Maura's tongue and lips burning into her own.

Maura drew back, apparently remembering that they were still out in the hall and that one of her neighbors might walk past any minute. Breathing hard, she fumbled with her key and unlocked the door. Jane stood behind her, pressing up against her with her hand at Maura's hip, not wanting to lose contact for a minute, and then they were inside.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Hey all . . . I'm sorry, that was kind of mean cutting it off there, and then leaving it a while before the next chapter too. I can promise that the next one will be up soon cos I've been working on it. **_

_**Oh yeah and fanofthearts, I went to New York - what an amazing city. I miss it really hard, I want to be on holidays again! If there are any New Yorkers reading this I love you and I've been dispelling the stereotype that you're rude since I got back here ;) **_

**Chapter Twelve**

_From the moment Jane had approached her on the street with her hair loose and curled, her jeans fitting over her hips just right, and a loose fitting T-shirt - Maura had wanted her. _

_Maura had always had a healthy sexual appetite. She never experienced guilt about her desires and had always accepted them as normal. Sex was a natural biological urge. Of course, one should not necessarily always act on one's desires. Sex should always be a negotation between two adults who were consenting to the same thing. It was important to weigh up the consequences. Sometimes sex was just a physical release, but when it had the potential to be otherwise it was irresponsible to not consider what the repercussions might be. _

_She was rationalizing her actions in a dangerous way. She told herself that the fact that Jane had been unattainable to her had built up her desire and created unrealistic expectations. If they'd had a relationship that followed a normal trajectory – for example, if they'd met through Lauren and dated one another, then had sex on the third or fourth date she wouldn't be feeling the way she had. She wouldn't have spent whole nights laying awake visualizing what Jane would look like under her clothes, trying to outline her abdominal muscles in her mind. She wouldn't remember every moment of their kissing with the realness of a photograph or a piece of music, evoking feelings and sensations that came out of thin air. _

_She had the feeling of reaching for something that could never be as good as what you'd built up in your mind, because the import of fantasy was the fact that what you imagine has a different quality to reality. The only cure was to have sex with Jane and dispel the mystery once and for all. _

_It was how she justified it; knowing the whole time that it would only make her want more._

As soon as they were inside and the door was safely shut behind them, Jane grasped Maura on her upper arms to move her close, and they fell back into a deep kiss, all restraint between them gone.

"You have no idea what this is for me, Maura," Jane said, her voice coming out gravelly.

Maura pulled away, looking at her and nodding her understanding. Jane worried that Maura had already changed her mind and that her words had broken the spell, but instead she took Jane by the hand and led her to the bedroom. They stood at the threshold of the room, Jane cradling Maura in her arms to kiss her tenderly. There was so many things she wanted to say. She wanted to explain to Maura that she could feel safe with her, but if Maura just wanted this to be about sex then she didn't want to risk losing it. She resolved to just focus on making Maura feel good, her hands moving down to grab Maura's ass, picking her up, and letting Maura's legs wrap around her as they kissed.

She could only support her weight for a moment, especially given how shaky she felt, and she bent at the knees so that she could deposit Maura on the edge of the bed. She looked down at her. Maura met her eye with an expression that must match her own - fearful and hot at the same time. She knelt down so that she was on her knees, and she guided Maura's legs apart with her hand so that she was in between them. She watched while Maura licked her lips and then leaned in, shuddering against her as they made contact. Maura's hands ran over her shoulders, down her back, and then up into her hair, bunching it in her fingers.

Abruptly Maura tugged at the hem of Jane's shirt, pulling it up, and Jane helped her drag it up over her head. She felt exposed and vulnerable, shivering from nerves and the cold. Maura brushed her hands up and down her arms to warm her, then moved her fingers everywhere over the curve of her breasts and over her stomach. Jane looked down and watched; Maura touched her like she was a work of art, and there was something so sweet about it.

Maura motioned backwards with her head to the bed, to signal that she wanted them to move. Jane complied eagerly, readying herself by unlacing her sneakers. Maura seemed to want to call the shots - to keep in control by directing where things went and that was okay with her. She was willing to do anything Maura wished.

Maura had stood to undress with her back turned and Jane watched while she took off one heel and then the other. She walked over to her, gingerly putting her hands on Maura's shoulders. It was strange – Maura had given her the green light, yet she kept feeling like Maura might come to her senses and throw her out any minute. She bent to touch her lips to Maura's neck and Maura moaned as she leaned into her, making her feel more confident. She held Maura close, Jane's lips travelling along her skin and grazing it with her teeth. Then she took the zip of Maura's dress between her fingers and pulled it down all the way, helping to steady Maura while she stepped out of it.

Jane slid her hands down the arch of Maura's back and then around over her waist. Her skin was so smooth and Jane couldn't get enough of touching it. As she would have figured Maura was wearing lacy black underwear which she'd never cared much about, but which now seemed sexy as hell. Maura turned in her arms and they faced one another. Their mouths joined again and Jane pulled Maura's hips against her.

Maura pushed her towards the bed, guiding her to lay down. Jane looked up at her, pretty sure that she'd never seen anything so sexy as Maura in her underwear, biting her lip as she undid her belt, ripped open the button of her jeans, and worked at pulling them down. Jane looked at the swell of her breasts under her bra, the soft slope of her stomach. She helped when Maura reached to remove Jane's bra. Jane lay back down with her nipples hard under Maura's fingers, who brushed against her lightly before she pulled back. Maura sat back on her heels and Jane had the curious sensation that Maura was still touching her; her stare was that intense.

"You have a very beautiful body. You're just as I pictured you," Maura said simply.

Jane tried to smile but she could feel her lips kind of trembling, shaking like the rest of her. The thought that Maura had been thinking about her turned her on more, if that were even possible. "So do you." She'd had sex with enough women to feel like she knew what she were doing, but the stakes had never felt this high before. Usually sex for her was rushed – at the end of a night out or at some girl's dorm room – and she'd never been with anyone like Maura. Maura seemed to like taking her time.

She leaned up on an elbow, watching while Maura reached around to unclasp her bra, Jane's pulse quickening. She saw a chink in Maura's armour for a moment as she looked away for a second while she slid the straps down her arms with a fleeting expression of anxiety. It was hard to understand why; not when she revealed the most perfectly formed breasts Jane had ever seen, but Jane knew it was about a lot more than that. Jane stared openly at her and reached forward to caress the undersides of her breasts, to finally feel them naked in her hands.

"Come here," Jane said softly. Maura looked at her hesitatingly for a second and then Maura was on top of her, and Jane could swear she felt her heart stop at the feeling of their skin against one another's, Maura's hard nipples against her own. Maura kissed her fiercely, Jane taking her head in her hands as their tongues entertwined. Jane felt a hand come between them as Maura palmed her breast, and flicked at her nipple with her fingers. She sharply drew in breath, gasping into Maura's mouth as they thrust against one another.

Then Maura's hand was lower, cupping her through her underwear. "Take them off," Maura whispered hoarsely, and soon they were each naked and pressed up against one another again. Jane could feel Maura's wetness on her thigh, because Maura had placed a leg between her own and was grinding into her. Maura was grabbing roughly at her breast while her tongue drove into her mouth, driving her crazy.

"What do you want me to do?" Maura whispered into her ear. Jane grasped Maura's shoulders and found that she had no idea what to say. She felt woefully inexperienced, because she'd never built up enough trust with anyone to actually _tell _them what she wanted.

"Whatever you want," Jane said and Maura pulled back to smile at her, obviously sensing that she had thrown Jane off balance - and liking it.

Jane closed her eyes as Maura moved down her stomach, exploring her body with her mouth, drawing a trail of fire everywhere she touched with the soft pad of her tongue, her fingers pressing and stroking. Jane squirmed where she lay, her hands twisting in the sheets, her breath coming out short and sharp. She felt the absence of Maura's hand between her legs; she felt desperate to be touched there again.

_She'd always felt in control in bed, and she found that she loved losing it, loved feeling entirely in Maura's power. _

Maura moved up so they were face to face again and entered her in one smooth stroke, Jane seeing lights appear behind her eyes. After seeing the way Jane responded Maura started to thrust into her hard, driving her higher and higher and looking into her eyes while Jane writhed against her, her hips moving in the rhythm Maura had set up. Maura was using her thumb to stroke her clit and it did not take long until she was in the grip of a powerful orgasm. When she came she was overwhelmed enough that she almost cried, but she pulled Maura over her tight for cover, their lips slowing against one another's.

Maura kissed her sweetly, withdrawing her hand slowly. Her hips were still rocking, and Maura put her hands to them, raising goosebumps as she splayed her fingers over her skin.

When she could move Jane sat up, their sweat-slicked bodies sliding against one another's, and she manipulated Maura's body until Maura was straddling her. She was in the perfect position to take one perfect breast into her mouth, sucking on the hard tip and teased the other with her fingers. It was criminal that she'd barely touched Maura yet and she made up for it now, loving the way Maura arched into her and dug her fingers into her shoulders. Jane reached down, moaning when she felt how wet and ready Maura was for her.

"Now," Maura said impatiently, and Jane entered her slowly, closing her eyes at the feeling of Maura around her fingers. Jane grasped at Maura's waist as they moved together. Maura was sighing and Jane nipped at Maura's neck with her lips and teeth, licking her salty skin.

"Is this okay?" Jane asked, losing her shyness in the face of how turned on she was. It was obvious Maura was enjoying what she was doing, she just suddenly needed to hear her say it.

"_Yes_," Maura said, barely able to speak, but she moaned Jane's name once and it spurred Jane on, she reached higher, her fingers stroking into Maura who had started moaning in earnest, looking over Jane's shoulder where she couldn't see her eyes. Jane pulled her back gently, her fist tangling into Maura's hair as she moved her so that they were looking at one another. She watched Maura's face when she came hard, saying her name again, Jane's dragging her forward for a kiss. She framed Maura's face with her hands and sucked on her lower lip, kissing her softly.

Jane eventually lay back, moving Maura with her. Maura lay half on top of her, a leg thrown over her waist and Jane stroked Maura's thigh, allowing their breathing to return to normal. The actual act had happened so fast – Jane wondered briefly if she should have savored it a bit more, but they had built up so much tension going any slower would have been impossible. Hopefully they could save that for next time, if there was going to be another time. Hell, she was ready to go again right now, but Maura had gotten quiet, and then she turned away. Jane felt a wave of sadness, but she wasn't going to let her go just yet. She spooned Maura tightly, hugging her close, stroking Maura's hair protectively.

"Can I stay here tonight?" she asked, afraid of the answer but determined to not take no for one. To her relief Maura answered yes.

"You know I really care about you, don't you?" Jane whispered into Maura's ear. Maura nodded against her hand, shivering at the feeling of Jane's lips.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Thanks so much for all your reviews. I say this every time but it was extra important for that chapter because I tend to get all prude-ish about writing sex scenes, even though I think they are very important for the reasons that JoBethMegAmy said. I worry that I'm going to come off sounding pervy. I know that's irrational seeing as we're all adults, the story is rated M, and I'm enjoying the anonymity of the internet, but I feel it anyway. I blame my Catholic upbringing. Now I feel like I don't have to worry about that you can expect more lol. I like writing them, dammit. **_

_**I'm also really chuffed that you like Lauren, Darkstar21. It's dicey writing original characters and I've been trying to avoid some of the problems that come with that. I don't really expect people to care too much about a character that they're not invested in from the show, but as long as I can sell their friendship a bit then I'm happy! **_

**Chapter Thirteen**

She woke up alone, and worried for a moment that Maura had left her by herself in the apartment. The thought stabbed into her for a second as she considered whether she was being punished; Maura leaving after they had sex would certainly achieve that. She rolled over and looked at the red lights of the digital alarm. The numbers showed that it was only 5am. Dawn light was peeking through the curtain, starting to seep through with greater insistence. She realized with relief that she could hear sounds coming from the kitchen. She pushed back the sheets and quickly dressed in yesterday's clothes. Her body felt aroused and sensitive, heavy with desire still unspent. She had a feeling that it would take a lot of Maura to ever make her satisfied.

After she made her way out to the open plan living area she saw Maura wiping down the kitchen counter, lifting objects and appliances and scrubbing underneath them. Jane watched her for a moment; her hair was pulled back into a messy pony tail and she had a silk robe wrapped around her. She looked stunning.

"Morning," Jane said scratchily. Maura didn't pause in her task as she returned the greeting.

"I clean when I can't sleep," she explained. "The physical exertion helps, and of course there's the sense of things being physically ordered even if my mind isn't."

"I should try that myself," Jane said, stretching out her arms. The few hours she'd just snatched had been the most peaceful in a while. Maura glanced at her and then went to the coffee machine, putting in a filter and starting to make a pot.

"So what happens now?" Jane asked awkwardly. It unnerved her that Maura had gotten up before her and was now putting so much distance between them. She had foolishly thought that they'd made up, or at least were on the road to doing so. Maura might have laid down the terms for them to have sex, but something had passed between them during the night that couldn't be ignored. You didn't have sex – no you didn't _make love_ - like that and then go back to not talking.

Maura gave her a guarded look. "What do you want to happen?"

"I think we should give it a shot," Jane blurted out. It wasn't the most romantic thing she'd ever said, but it expressed how she felt. The night before had crystallised everything – they had been so good together. All of her fears were still there, but it now appeared easy to push through them. Nothing else made sense other than that they should be together.

"I don't think it's that simple. I think there are things that need to be worked out," Maura said.

"Okay, so let's talk about them," Jane agreed. She allowed herself a sliver of hope, grasping the back of the chair she was standing behind with white knuckles.

"Are you sure you want to hear what I have to say?" Maura asked. "I've been told I can be quite blunt. I'm not going to tell you things you want to hear."

"I can take it," Jane said gamely.

Maura put down the milk carton she'd been holding and looked directly and Jane for a long time. "Your behavior has been reprehensible."

"I know that," Jane said quickly and defensively, then Maura held up a hand which made her quickly close her mouth. It wasn't the time to let her temper show.

"I stand by my assessment of you. You have a lot of integrity, but you haven't been practicing it. You don't take responsibility for your actions. You're passive."

Jane scoffed. "Nobody's ever called me _passive _in my life. If anything I get myself into trouble for being too aggressive."

Maura shook her head. "I don't mean passive as a personality type. You are passive in the sense that you've just been letting everything happen to you. I couldn't see you as a partner until you took a more active role in your own life. You don't go after the things you want. You don't fight. And that's not attractive to me."

"Wow. I guess you warned me," Jane said, knowing she sounded childishly wounded.

Maura just raised her eyebrows at her as though Jane's sarcastic tone had confirmed her assertions. Jane looked down at the table, trying to absorb what had just been said to her. Maura didn't speak again, she just finished making the coffee and then brought it over to her. Jane caught her wrist when she was close. "Are you saying that I have a chance here though? If I were to change."

Maura closed her hand over Jane's, lifting Jane's hand off her gently. "I'm not giving you an ultimatum. That's not how I operate. I'm just telling you what I need in a person. I could forgive you for hurting me, but not when I'm so sure you'd just do it again."

Jane was left reaching at empty air when she walked away. Maura had escaped back into wiping down the counter top. Maura's words had hit home more than she cared to admit. It was true – she'd been paralysed for a long time. She'd pushed Maura away and she'd let Lauren go with nothing but feeble phone calls and the hope that Lauren would pity her enough to take her back.

She supposed she should go. Maura's cleaning frenzy wasn't exactly sending the message that she should stick around, although she could quite easily watch her for a long time. Maybe it would be a good idea to go home, get some more sleep, and decide what she were going to do next. She had translated Maura's words and had read the message loud and clear: _get your shit together and we'll see. _After last night she was more than a little bit determined to make sure she did what was being asked of her.

In fact, she thought obstinately, Maura didn't know who she was dealing with. If she wanted Jane to fight she was damn well going to do it.

She took a couple of sips of the coffee and then went to the sink to pour it down and rinse her mug. She was about to pass Maura on her way to go and wash up – she noticed that Maura was still intent on her task. She saw the curve of Maura's body where the belt of her robe sat around her waist and her naked legs with their toned calves. It was kind of distracting to look at Maura in any type of clothing now that she knew what she looked like without it.

Jane stepped forward and put her hands on Maura's sides, her body pressed against Maura from behind. She watched over Maura's shoulder as her hands stilled. Breathing in the scent of Maura's hair, she kissed the side of her face before taking her ear lobe between her teeth. Maura raised herself up a little, standing on the balls of her feet to even up their height. Jane kissed her cheek and then gently tilted Maura's chin so that she could kiss her lips.

"What are you doing?" Maura murmured when they broke apart.

"Being more assertive," Jane said sarcastically.

"That's not really what I meant," Maura argued, but she was pressing back into Jane in a way that said it was more than okay to keep going. Jane grabbed her hips, feeling Maura's ass pressed against her, arching against her crotch. She cupped Maura's breasts in her hands, smiling when Maura gasped in response. She pinched one of Maura's hard nipples lightly through the fabric of her robe. Jane felt satisfaction as Maura dropped her cloth and reached back to put an arm behind Jane. Maura turned around and they locked into a kiss.

The chirping of morning birds sounded in the background. Jane couldn't dwell on the weirdness of exactly how they'd gotten here, why they were in the kitchen at dawn. She pulled at the belt of Maura's robe and dragged it off her shoulders, letting it pool around their feet. Maura was looking at her with pure need. She knew she was going to carry that look around in her head for days. She pushed Maura up against the bench and kissed her, then lifted her up so that Maura was sitting on it.

"You do want me though, don't you?" Jane said, looking into Maura's eyes. Maura didn't answer and she leaned forward and kissed her lightly, teasingly. Now it was her turn to have Maura in her power. Maura was naked in front of her and she was fully dressed. She knew how transparent she was – she knew she was acting like someone who had something to prove. She was enjoying it too much to stop.

"I do," Maura said honestly.

Jane put her hands on Maura's thighs. She gave Maura a white hot look, her eyes travelling over her bare skin. "And we were good together last night, weren't we?"

Maura pushed air through her lips impatiently. "Jane . . ."

"It's a simple question," Jane said, raising an eyebrow. She let her thumbs graze against Maura's inner thighs. She swallowed hard, losing herself in Maura's eyes. "Just tell me," she said.

Maura rolled her eyes frustratedly at Jane's stalling. "It was the best I've ever had. Is that what you want me to say?"

Jane shrugged, embarrassed now that she'd tried so hard to pull a compliment out of Maura, again. She wondered if it made her seem desperate, needy or whatever. She looked off to the side. "Sorry, I'm just fooling around." When her eyes returned to Maura's, Maura was studying her, looking at her affectionately.

"Come here, I'll tell you a secret," Maura said, motioning with her head for Jane to come forward. Jane played along, leaning up close so that Maura's lips were at her ear.

"It actually _was_ the best I've ever had. So how about you stop teasing me?"

Jane felt Maura's breath against her neck, Maura's lips grazing her there. She broke away and began exploring Maura's body with her mouth, kissing her everywhere, and she didn't stop until her tongue was at Maura's center and Maura was screaming her name.

_When she'd left her bed in the early hours of the morning, Maura had felt determined. All she wanted to do was talk to Jane, to lay things out clearly now that they'd had sex and all of that distracting tension was out of the way. It had felt good to be able to state her case, but then Jane's strong hands had touched her again and her good intentions had turned to dust. She knew the tension wasn't out of the way at all, it had grown larger. They had made love in the kitchen with Jane kneeling in front of her, and she found that Jane was as talented with her tongue as she was with her hands._

_It would be very selfish to not reciprocate, so at Maura's suggestion they'd gone back to bed. They had brought one another to orgasm with their fingers, together this time, Maura trying to concentrate on stroking Jane while she was brought undone herself._

_When it was over she'd wanted to go back to sleep with Jane's long arms wrapped around her, but she'd resisted that. It was time to stop prolonging the inevitable and ask Jane to go. As soon as she'd come down from the afterglow she'd started worrying again about their situation, turning it over in her mind restlessly. _

_Maura knew she'd confused things – she hadn't said yes to Jane but she certainly hadn't said no. She couldn't think clearly with Jane so close to her, and she was afraid that she was going to crack, that she was going to ask Jane to stay even longer. That she was going to just cave in and agree to be with Jane, destroying all the hard work she'd done to try to get over this (as if she hadn't done that already!). She knew she had to resist all of her urges if she was going to maintain her self-respect. She reminded herself that hormones were flooding her body, that such a reaction after orgasm was normal. It was only endorphins that had caused her to feel like her feelings for Jane might be even stronger than she had feared. She wouldn't have thought that possible before._

_So instead of staying where she was, she'd pulled herself out of bed on legs that felt as if their bones had melted away at some point during the last couple of hours, and announced that she was going to go and have a shower. She'd meant it as a cue for Jane to leave. She wasn't sure who had initiated Jane joining her, but soon they were standing in her shower together, kissing as the warm water ran over them._

_She'd kept returning to the question that Jane had asked the night before. She'd nodded but not spoken when Jane had asked if she knew she cared. Thing was, she did know. She'd felt it with every look, every touch. She just wasn't sure that it was enough to sustain them._


	14. Chapter 14

_**Yo readers! Thanks for being patient for this one, two of my best friends have had birthdays lately so I've been busily partying and such. Actually one of them is kind of the basis for Lauren, only fortunately we don't fight about girls seeing as she's married to a dude. Although we do pull one another's hair.**_

_**A special thanks to TheRainbowFrite for taking the time to write all of those reviews! And thanks for mentioning the page breaks, I think I stopped forgetting to fix them a long time ago so I appreciate that, must have been driving you all nuts.**_

**Chapter Fourteen**

Jane walked to the bus stop with the sun beating down on her shoulders. She'd never been one to care about the great outdoors, but she had to admit there was something uplifting about the smell of the grass and the sounds of kids playing. She was in a weird mood. She felt blissfully happy - her skin still singing from the touch of Maura's lips on her - but she felt reflective and kind of melancholy too.

_I already miss her._

Jane began compiling a mental list of her most pressing needs, the things that she had to work on to get herself out of this mess. At the top sat 'TALK TO LAUREN' in big neon lights. It was a given that Jane wanted to move forward and be with Maura with or without Lauren's blessing. But she knew that she needed to man up and do something about the sick feeling that had settled over her since they'd stopped talking. Even if Lauren never forgave her, she couldn't look herself in the mirror again until she'd at least tried to sort things out. She'd be no good to Maura if she wasn't good with herself.

Second on the list sat talking to Coach Foster. Jane hadn't formally quit the team. Alhough it had frustrated her at the time that Foster had been dismissive, it could really work in her favor. To her knowledge no paperwork about her scholarship had been put in motion, so she was pretty sure that if she squared things up with Coach Foster it would be okay. She was going to have to eat a lot of humble pie over the next few days; maybe she deserved it. She cringed to think about what a self-pitying jerk she'd been.

Another thing struck her while she was looking out the window at the passing houses; that this wasn't just about Maura. Maybe Maura was the catalyst she needed to get herself sorted out. She didn't like to think that she needed anyone to tell her how to be or give her advice; maybe it was that kind of defensive thinking that had helped her let things get so bad. It was funny that someone who supposedly barely knew her had her pegged so well – she had been spineless and it wasn't like her. She hated to think about the possibility that things might not work out, but these were all things she needed to do regardless.

Jane stepped off the bus feeling like she'd achieved something. She had a plan. It had only been a couple of weeks since she'd been to Lauren's room but it felt like a lifetime had passed. Her mouth was dry with anxiety by the time she reached her door. It would be so easy to run away from all of this – but where had that gotten her before? She didn't dare to even go home and change, because she was worried she'd curl up on her bed again and hide from the world.

Lauren answered the door still in her tank top and pajama pants. She had last night's eyeliner under her eyes and her red hair was messed up. She appeared to be considering slamming the door in Jane's face for a moment, but instead she motioned for her to come in with a fierce frown on her face.

"If you're here to apologize again, I don't really want to hear about it," Lauren said, crossing her arms and hugging them against herself.

"I'm actually not," Jane started. "I know it wouldn't help." She pushed her hair back from her face and shoved her hands in her pockets.

"Then what are you doing here?" Lauren asked.

Jane chewed on the edge of her thumb. Pity all her mental list-making hadn't gotten her any further than the task itself. Just as with the night before with Maura, she realized she'd gone in with guns blazing and no plan of what to actually say. Well, it had worked last night. Maybe she should just throw down and see what happened.

"Um. I'm doing what I should have done weeks ago. I'm asking you to step aside," Jane said, tilting her chin up defiantly.

Lauren looked at her in disbelief. "Step aside from what? I stopped seeing Maura as a friend a couple of weeks ago, and you know we were never more than that."

"Yeah, I know. I _am_ sorry that I lied to you. But the other stuff – I don't really know how to say this without . . ."

"What? Just say it," Lauren said warily.

"I know you're going to think I'm full of shit for saying this, but I need both of you in my life, cos I love you, but I think I'm falling in love with her," Jane explained, exhaling after she said the words.

She'd dismissed the notion for a while, believing that she were being melodramatic and that it wasn't possible for her to be falling in love with someone she wasn't even in a relationship with. But then, somehow it had become a fact that she'd accepted within herself the night before. When Maura was looking into her eyes, and they were connected in soul and in flesh, she'd been sure. The feeling hadn't worn off after the rush of release – it had only gotten stronger. It had hit her all over again when she'd seen Maura cleaning of all things.

Jane missed Maura every second that she wasn't by her side, in her arms. She wanted to know everything that there was to know about her; she was fascinated by the smallest detail she found. Jane felt her blood run faster every time she saw Maura or even heard her name. She wanted to take care of her and make her happy, protect her from being hurt ever again. _ This_ was what it was supposed to feel like. Nobody else had ever even come close.

"Oh really, you're falling in love? Well I guess we can call off that duel at dawn you were just about to propose then," Lauren replied, sighing. She moved to sit on her bed and Jane followed her, figuring that if Lauren hadn't thrown her out by now then she probably wasn't going to. Lauren was gazing down at her feet as though they held the answers to the universe.

"You know I don't say that lightly, right?" Jane said. She'd been stung by Lauren's sarcasm but not as much as she would have been if Lauren didn't look so _sad._

"I know, I know. Sorry. I don't really mean that," Lauren said tiredly. She was staring off into space, in another time. "Remember that night we got really blasted on that awful red wine we found in your dad's stash? And we got up on the roof of your garage?"

"Yeah, I know when you mean," Jane confirmed. They'd had too many good times to mention over the years, but that night had been an especially memorable one.

"I got the feeling you didn't want to talk about it so I just pretended I was too hazy to remember, but you were saying that you didn't think you were ever going to find someone, that you didn't know why you were so cold. I wanted to tell you that I didn't think you were cold, that you just needed to let someone in, but then your mom heard us talking up there and yelled at us to get down," she was covering her eyes, which Jane recognised as a telltale sign that she was starting to cry. Jane moved to put her arm around her and Lauren let her, huddling into her like she had through so many break-ups and losses and disappointments.

"Hey, don't cry, it's okay," Jane said soothingly.

"I should be happy that this is happening for you, and it pisses me off that I can't be. I don't think you understand how much of an idiot you made me feel like," Lauren said, balling her hands up into fists in her lap and then releasing them.

"I never meant to make you feel that way. I was trying to protect you," Jane said, the familiar shame seeping into her gut, making her feel sick.

"I could have gotten over you being with her, but I just feel like this person that's been in the way . . . like you two have been talking about me the whole time, wishing I wasn't around," Lauren said.

Jane held her tight. "That's not how it is, really it's not. I love you, and I know Maura cares about you too."

"I miss you," Lauren said. "You know that cliché about how the one person you're used to telling your problems to is the one who hurt you, so you have nobody to talk to? That's totally what it's been like." They sat in a silence that was starting to gather comfort.

Jane wondered why on earth it had taken her so long to just come and talk; Lauren could never be cruel enough to just not listen to her. No matter what happened between them she should have always known that somewhere in Lauren there was a desire to forgive her. She grabbed onto it now, feeling like their friendship was starting to come back into her reach.

"Does she think I'm a total loser, mooning around after her like I did?" Lauren asked in a self-deprecating tone.

"Honestly? I don't think she even noticed hon," Jane said drily.

"Hah," Lauren said, and then her genuine laughter sounded like the best thing Jane had ever heard. "I suppose she was too busy chasing your skinny ass around."

"I really tried Lauren. I messed up, but I'll make it up to you if you let me."

Lauren took stock of her, reading her face, testing her sincerity. Apparently she was okay with what she saw. "Alright. Fuck this, we can be friends again."

Jane smiled. It came upon her in a wave, gratitude breaking over her. "Really?"

"Sure," Lauren said, shrugging as if it were no big deal, and Jane could see the embarrassment still clouding her face. She wished it wasn't there, but she knew that she would have to give it some time. "I don't understand what's going on though. You're falling for her but you said you guys weren't even together, or were you bullshitting me about that too?"

Jane shook her head and looked down at her hands, suddenly finding an urgent need to clean her fingernails. They couldn't just talk about girl problems like they always had, not about Maura, not so soon. She wouldn't know where to begin.

"Start from the start, and skip the dirty parts for now please. I'm not ready for that," Lauren instructed her gently. "And I'll act happy for you about the good parts until I really am."

Jane went to see Coach Foster the next day. It was much easier than approaching Lauren, although she did have to endure a lecture about her bad attitude and about learning to "manage her anger". Jane gladly let herself be dressed down, flushed with relief about how well everything was going. Lauren had even come with her for moral support and waited outside the office. Jane could almost feel them rebuilding what they'd had - block by block. She felt like she'd been able to convey to Lauren how she'd been thinking and feeling, and like Lauren had started to see it at least a little bit through her eyes.

They decided to go for a walk around the campus, in step close to one another. Jane kept finding herself staring at the side of Lauren's face, trying to figure out if they were really going to be okay.

"Stop staring at me," Lauren said with a groan, "I'm going to be fine. Seriously, I was way more upset about losing you than losing the idea of being with her, and now I got you back."

"Sorry," Jane said guiltily. "I don't mean to make you self-conscious."

"So what are you going to do now?" Lauren asked. "What's next on your list? It's like you're in AA or something, doing all this atoning."

"I know right? Only I'd be in Assholes Anonymous," Jane joked. "Actually I really don't know what to do now. How does one improve oneself? Do I need to take some kind of course?"

Lauren was thoughtful for a moment. "You've gotta come out to your mom."

"Huh? What's that got to do with anything?" Jane said.

"I know you don't like being psycho-analysed Jane, but it holds you back. That's the number one reason you've never really wanted to commit to a girl," Lauren said.

Jane scoffed. "But I'm ready _now_. I just hadn't met the right one is all. Like you said, I had to _let someone in,_" she said with her voice dripping sarcasm.

"Can you really see Maura playing straight girls with your mom for too long? She's not great at lying. Plus it's holding you back, you have to admit. You have to do it sometime, might as well be while you're all gung-ho for personal improvement," Lauren pointed out.

Jane stopped walking for a second and turned to Lauren. It only took a moment to imagine a crushing weight lifted, what it would be like to be free of the ever-present fear. "You know what? You're right. I'm going to do it. I'm going to go home, and write her a letter telling her everything, so she can't talk back." She started to walk away.

"Great, and tell her I don't enjoy dick either while you're at it, I haven't enjoyed that little charade!" Lauren called out.

Jane turned around and glared at her, but it quickly gave way to a big smile. She stopped to wait for Lauren to catch up, and they walked arm-in-arm.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

True to her word, she composed a letter to her parents as soon as she got home while Lauren lounged on the bed and offered up (mostly unprintable) suggestions. Jane found that it was much harder than what she'd been expecting; her tone kept coming out all wrong. She tried to stick to the facts but found herself getting defensive and putting in all sorts of extra stuff. It was becoming less about being gay and more about berating her mom for being in her business.

"It's like there should be a musical montage where you're screwing up pieces of paper and shit," Lauren joked, propping herself up on an elbow.

"I know what you mean," Jane grumbled as she discarded yet another version of her letter.

"Dear mom, I'm a dyke. But cheer up, you still have Frankie," Lauren deadpanned.

"And Tommy," Jane added.

"Oh I didn't include him on purpose," Lauren corrected her.

"Lauren!" Jane laughed. "That's terrible."

"Why don't you just tell her? _I'm gay._ That's all you have to plan on saying, the rest will work itself out."

Jane rubbed her eyes, dropping her pen. "I know it should be that simple, but when I think of saying the words out loud to her it just makes me feel really freaked out. I don't think I could get them out. This is much better - trust me."

"I know. It'll be alright, really," Lauren said supportively.

Jane worked quietly for a long time, comforted by the presence of Lauren reading magazines in the background, until she had something she was at least half way happy with.

"This is perfect. When are you going to give it to her?" Lauren said, nodding as she read over it.

"Not today. I need one more day of normalcy before all hell breaks loose," Jane said, looking at her watch. "Shit, I'm going to be late for class, let's go."

When class was over, Jane wandered over to the library with a coffee. Her attention span for schooling had been suffering pretty badly over the last few weeks; it was the first time she'd sat down to study in a long time. As soon as she was settled she found herself drifting off into thoughts of Maura, then veering over to worrying how her mom was going to take the news. She fiddled with her pen and flicked through the pages of her books, half-heartedly making notes when she saw something she needed.

She glanced up from her book to eye the clock at just the moment that Maura walked into the room with a group of nerdy-looking fellow students.

"Oh come on!" Jane muttered under her breath. It was starting to feel like the universe was conspiring to put Maura in her path – first that random meeting on the street, and now this. She barely ever dragged her ass to the library so it was a pretty big co-incidence - although she gathered that Maura was there all the time so she supposed it wasn't that weird. Maura hadn't spotted her yet, so she was safe to just look at her. Maura was wearing a skirt and a buttoned up shirt; and as usual Jane had to take a second to marvel at how well put together she looked. She had never been into the trappings of femininity herself but on Maura it was incredibly sexy. There were a million things that made it so – from her smell, to the way her heels showed her off spectacular legs, and then there was the way every outfit she wore managed to mix classiness with showcasing certain . . . assets she had.

There was no point even pretending that she could study now, so she spent a while just staring and trying to figure out when to make her move. She waited patiently for Maura to look up. One of the guys in Maura's study group was leaning over towards her while he pointed out something in a text. Jane grasped her pen too tightly. Maura was way out of his league, but then she supposed the same could be said of her too.

_Look at me, look at me_, Jane willed her silently, and then only handful of seconds went by before she did. Their eyes met and Jane broke into a smile, grinning broadly. Maura smiled back and nodded at her, then went back to her books. Jane was aware that Maura must be thrown off by seeing her so unexpectedly again. For a while they exchanged looks while Jane leaned her chin on her hand, raising her eyebrows every time Maura chanced a look at her. Her eyes swept up and down again. There was the subtle hint of cleavage that showed where her shirt was buttoned to look at, and the way she kept crossing and un-crossing her legs under the table as though Jane's presence was affecting her. Whenever Maura looked at her it would only be for a few moments, but that didn't cut the intensity of it by a fraction.

Eventually when Maura looked at her Jane pounced, tilting her head towards one of the sound-proofed study rooms that lined the far wall. Maura nodded again and Jane walked towards it, glancing over her shoulder once to make sure that she were being followed. Before Maura entered she pulled down the shades on the windows so that they could have some privacy.

"Why the secrecy? You could have just come over and said hello," Maura said as she entered the room and closed the door, looking bemused.

Jane held up her hands, a gesture meant to show that everything was above board. "Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you properly without being shushed by those science-y classmates of yours. They scare me a little bit."

"That strikes me as a bit odd seeing as you haven't even met them," Maura said, leaning against the back of the door.

"Who's the guy sitting next to you?" Jane said lightly.

"Ah-ha. I see. You know," Maura started, crossing her arms. "I've noticed that you're an awfully jealous person. First the guy at the party, now him?"

Jane moved closer to her. She enjoyed the way Maura's expression changed slightly, altering in reaction to Jane's increased proximity. Maybe if she weren't so tuned into Maura's every move she wouldn't have noticed it but seeing as she was, she was especially interested in the way Maura's lips slightly parted and she leaned back to look at Jane.

She put an arm on either side of Maura's head. "If you're worried about me being too possessive, don't be. I just don't like the idea of you with anyone but me, but if we were together it would exclude that possibility. So I'd be fine."

"Is that so?" Maura said sceptically, but in a playful way.

"Sure, I mean I can't really blame them. You are jaw-dropping to look at," she said, pointedly looking down at the open neck of Maura's shirt, at the beautiful slope of her neck and the soft skin that showed just above her breasts. She smiled at Maura's reaction to the words and to her gaze. "Do you want to go out with me tonight?"

"I don't think so. We were planning on staying here pretty late and then going out for pizza," Maura said.

Jane felt herself falter, but she needed to persist. "Please? I want to talk to you, tell you what's been going on. I talked to Lauren and we patched things up."

"Wow. That's great, Jane," Maura said genuinely. "I'd love to hear about it sometime soon. Still, I'm not ready to start dating you, I thought I made that clear." She put a hand on Jane's upper arm comfortingly to soften her words, but she moved it away just as quickly. It was the only time Maura had touched her since they'd been alone and yet her body had most definitely started to respond, the tension crackling between them enough.

"Oh yeah, I get it," Jane said. It hurt to have Maura to say no to her, even though she hadn't been expecting it to be easy. "I'll give you all the time you need."

"Good," Maura said. Throughout their conversation they remained inches apart, Maura leaning on the door and Jane leaning over her, her arms still positioned on either side of Maura. Maura's eyes kept flicking to the sides to look at them, as though studying the lines of her forearms and admiring the way Jane's biceps showed. Jane had a ridiculous and cheesy urge to flex them, and squashed it.

"So how about tomorrow night?" Jane said, joking but still quietly hoping she'd give in.

Maura just shook her head. Jane stifled a sigh because she didn't want to seem negative but it was difficult when Maura wouldn't give her anything to go on. Still, she wasn't going anywhere, which was also encouraging. She looked down at Maura's very inviting mouth. She'd give anything to be able to kiss that mouth whenever she wanted. She dropped her arms to signal that she wouldn't try to make Maura stay if she wanted to go.

When Maura didn't move, Jane put her hands lightly on Maura's shoulders and leaned down to kiss her cheek. "When you're ready, I'll be waiting," she whispered in her ear. They remained locked in place, close but not touching, Jane holding back her body from the desperate need to crush it into Maura's. Finally Maura turned her face, bringing her mouth closer and so Jane kissed it, waking up the butterflies in her stomach as their lips softly grazed against one another's.

"I wish I could stop thinking about you, but I can't," Maura confessed between kisses.

"Then stop trying," Jane suggested. She loved the way Maura's mouth moved against hers, alternating between tender and rough. She loved the hunger she could feel in the way Maura's tongue slipped against her. It always felt like they were entirely lost in one another, like it didn't matter where they were or what else had been happening.

She needed to feel Maura's again. Her hands moved down to Maura's waist and she tugged Maura's top out from where it was tucked into her skirt with sure hands, then brushed underneath to put her palm against her ribcage. Her hand wandered over the silky skin, her fingers splayed over Maura's side.

Jane looked into Maura's eyes and then she started to slowly undo the buttons on her blouse, unwrapping her like a present she wanted to savour, both of them breathing hard and sharp.

"What if someone comes in?" Maura asked in a choked voice.

"Nobody will be able to open the door with you there, it opens inwards. If they try I'll push it shut," Jane said quickly, the thought having occurred to her long before. She felt hot – feverish - like she couldn't stop if she wanted to.

The buttons undone at last, she drank in the sight of Maura's breasts where they swelled over her bra, and with her fingertips she traced the marks her own lips had made a couple of days before. She hadn't realized she'd been quite so enthusiastic. "Sorry," she said, in a tone that implied she wasn't really.

"Doesn't matter," Maura said quickly, because she was impatient to be touched again. Jane was pulled closer and they kissed, Maura's hands shoved up the back of her shirt, Maura's fingernails grazing down her back. Maura kissing her like she'd been thinking about it since they'd parted, just like she had been.

"Let me come back to your place," Jane urged when they pulled apart for a moment.

"No," Maura whispered with regret. _If you come back, I won't be able to ask you to leave again_.

Jane abruptly put her hand underneath Maura's skirt, going right to Maura's center, cupping the damp material that covered her. Maura gasped and pushed against her hand, and Jane felt a surge of gratification that soothed the hurt she'd felt when Maura had rejected her. She moved her fingers slowly, letting the back of her knuckles play against her through her underwear, and then she removed her hand, worrying that maybe this was going too far. She slid her hands over Maura's thighs instead, working them underneath, using the movement to lift her closer, and kissed her. She heard Maura say something into her mouth.

"What?" Jane asked breathlessly. Her self-control was being sorely tested, she could feel Maura's soft breasts against her own, pushing into her.

"Don't stop," Maura said more clearly, and she took Jane's hand with her own and put it back to where she wanted it. She leaned her forehead against Maura's, drawing out the moment as they stared at one another heatedly. Then Jane moved her underwear to the side and slipped her fingers over Maura, biting her lip at how slick and wet she was. Obviously Jane wasn't the only one who got turned on quickly when they were together. She stroked her, teasing her lightly, feeling Maura's shortened breath in her ear. Maura was kissing her neck, then whispering to Jane of how good she felt.

When Maura asked her for more she gave it, pulling down Maura's underwear urgently and sliding into her, Maura's breath catching in her throat. Their hips moved together, Jane pushing Maura back into the door to brace her against it. She needed this. If ever she doubted that Maura wanted her, she could remember _this. _

She couldn't quite believe what they were doing; in what was essentially a public place. It meant that although the room was sound-proofed they were quiet anyway, Maura letting out the occasional stifled moan, Jane using her mouth to help soften the noise. Maura hooked a leg around Jane, one hand on the door knob trying to keep herself steady. Jane was bent at the knees, evening their height, and she had all of her attention focussed on Maura's face, which was consumed with pleasure. Maura's eyes were closed but at one point she opened them and Jane could feel it flowing between them, the knowledge that they were more than just two people grabbing a quick moment. Maura was looking right into her, and for once she wanted to be seen.

Jane curled her fingers and Maura came quickly, her legs buckling while Jane held her up. "I love you," Jane said under her breath, Maura's soft moans enough to cover what was less than a whisper. She said the words to test them out. She'd never said them to anyone before, and didn't know how.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Hey there. I have to confess the speed of my writing has been suffering due to the fact I've been on a 'Community' bender. I can't stop saying 'that's nice'. Last night I got home in the middle of the night and even though I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open I still insisted on watching an episode before going to bed. **_

_**Anyhoo, I'm heading towards the last few chapters of this thing. Thanks for reading, I'm going to post two chapters for the price of one.**_

**Chapter Sixteen**

It was quiet and hot in the room. Jane felt a wave of sadness so big it threatened to crush her, something she hadn't been expecting when things had gotten heated. She couldn't bear having Maura again and not _having_ her. Jane focussed on rearranging Maura's clothes for her by buttoning up her shirt, wrapping her up again. She could feel Maura's eyes on her face, questioning, and when Maura reached for the waistband of her jeans as though to tug her forward, Jane moved out of the way.

"What about you?" Maura said, confusion and desire mingling in her voice.

"I'm okay," Jane said, trying to smile at Maura and failing.

"Jane?" Maura asked, forcing Jane to look at her by tilting Jane's chin with her hand.

"It's fine, I should go," Jane said, looking away to put the last button of Maura's shirt into place. She couldn't stand to look at Maura's face so her eyes were directed somewhere to the side of it. She waited until Maura stepped aside, still unsteady on her legs. Jane pushed the door open, making a bee line for her books and bag. She needed to get the hell out of here before she had to watch while Maura returned to her friends. She kept her eyes trained on the ground and walked quickly towards the exit. She just wanted to get home and be by herself.

She felt whipped up and confused, like she wanted to cry. She wanted to say _I love you_ out loud so badly. The words were still burning in her mouth, and she was so afraid that if she said them properly then Maura wouldn't say it back. What if she confessed how she'd been feeling and it didn't change anything? And she knew if Maura touched her she would come undone - she wouldn't be able to hold the words in any longer.

She made a quick trip to the bathroom to wash up, choosing the one on the ground level so that Maura wouldn't see where she went. Now she stepped out into the sunlight, trying to calm herself down. When she heard Maura calling her name she only walked faster, pretending that she hadn't heard as she clutched her books to her chest, but Maura was upon her in moments, grabbing her shoulder.

"Jane," Maura said, slightly breathless from hurrying to catch up with her. "Are you alright?"

Jane looked at her for a long while, unable to form a proper sentence. She most definitely was not alright, but the last thing she wanted was pity or concern. "I'm fine," she said eventually.

"Where are you going? You can't just do . . . _that_, and then leave me."

"I'm going home. And you made it clear you didn't want to spend any time with me, aside from getting off of course," Jane said, the old meanness born of insecurity rising up, and she felt guilty as soon as she saw the look on Maura's face. She tried to push her temper down, to regain some control of herself, but she was struggling.

Who had she been kidding? She couldn't be patient when it came to Maura. She couldn't just sit back and wait until Maura decided that she wanted to move forward – because what if she never did? Where did that leave her? She felt very, very hurt, a hurt she had only been able to stave off while they had sex. It had returned now, deeper than before. And when she was hurt she lashed out.

"Is that all you think I'm good for, a quick screw in the library?" she said, pointing towards the building as though it proved a point. "I'm not good enough to come back to your house, but you're still happy to have sex? What should I do, follow you around the campus hoping you'll throw me a bone?"

"I'm sorry. You seemed to be enjoying it at the time," Maura said evenly, her face subtly registering hurt of her own.

"Don't be sarcastic," Jane said. _Pot. Kettle. Black._ What was it they said about people disliking the traits in others that they disliked in themselves?

"I'm not," Maura said.

"You're using me," Jane said accusingly. Maura flinched a little but her expression barely changed – it was only there if you looked at her eyes. God, why did she have to be so composed all of the time? It just made Jane feel like more of a loose cannon in comparison. "I don't know if you're trying to get back at me or what, but I don't appreciate you using me as you're own personal fuck toy."

"Your _fuck _toy? Wow," Maura said, her tone shifting to anger. "I believe it was _you_ who stuck your hands up my skirt, even after I said no to going out with you."

Jane felt as though she'd been slapped. She knew with absolute certainty that Maura had wanted her as much as she'd wanted Maura, but the implication of her words was painful. "Well, you seemed like you were enjoying it at the time," she said flatly, throwing Maura's words back at her. She turned on her heel, walking away.

As she left she shut her eyes as hard as she could, holding back tears of frustration. _Good work_, she thought to herself, _you've fucked it up again._

By the time she got home it was night. She'd forgotten her plans to go straight home after the arugment and had spent a lot of time wandering around until she knew that Lauren would be back in her room. God, she didn't know what she would have done without Lauren as a sympathetic ear; at least she'd done something right by working her way back into Lauren's good graces. She felt slightly better after a good cry and Lauren's assurances that things would work out eventually.

"You've already overcome a few obstacles, namely me, so you'll get there in the end," Lauren had joked.

By the time Jane got home she was feeling marginally better. Her mom sounded busy in the kitchen, clashing around pots and pans, so she didn't announce her entrance and went right up to her room. Her eyes went straight to her desk, where she'd left the letter tucked under some books in the corner. With panic she realized that it wasn't there and she ran over and frantically started searching. She crouched under the desk and went as far as looking under the bed before she called Lauren, who said she knew nothing about where it could have gone.

With a hard, jagged fear taking residence inside of her as she walked downstairs. Her mom didn't turn around when she entered the room.

"Mom?" she asked, knowing instinctively that when her mom faced her everything was going to be different. And then Angela turned around, and Jane could see streaks on her face from where she'd been crying.

"Did you go through my stuff?" Jane asked, or rather yelled.

"What was I supposed to do? There was a letter with my name written on the outside, oh silly me I thought it was meant for me!" Angela shouted back defensively.

Jane put her hands into her hair in frustration. "Ugh! What were you doing in there in the first place?"

"Cleaning up after you like I always do!"

"I asked you not to do that! It's _my_ space mom!" she said, pointing to her chest for emphasis. "I'm 23 years old, when are you going to start leaving me alone?"

"If you want to be treated like an adult then you're going to have to start acting like one, and stop being such a slob," Angela said folding her arms. It was a familiar argument of hers, one that she seemed to feel had airtight logic.

"You shouldn't have done that, I wasn't ready for you to see it," Jane said, her anger giving way to sadness. Seeing tears on her mom's face told her all she needed to know, and confirmed her worst fears. This was the reaction that she'd expected but certainly not the one she'd hoped for. When she'd finished the letter she'd indulged fantasies of her mom hugging and saying all of the right things. _It doesn't make me love you any less. I knew the whole time, and I was just waiting for you to tell me. I'm proud of you._

"Well, I've seen it now," Angela answered, her eyes cutting to the side.

"And? Are you going to say anything about it?" Jane prompted. It was typical that they were arguing about everything but the real issue.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Angela said stubbornly.

"Just say anything mom, for god's sake. Isn't there anything you want to ask me?"

Angela eyes were downcast, her voice quietening. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah ma, I'm sure," Jane said meaningfully. How could her mom be so willfully blind? How could she ever doubt who Jane really was? She'd never brought guys home, never confided in her mom about boys she liked. When she looked back she could see how secretive and defensive she'd been even in her teens about the issue of relationships. Her mom had obviously rationalized it all away, clinging on to what she desperately wanted to be true.

Jane's confirmation sparked off a fresh wave of tears. "Can you please try to be supportive?" Jane demanded, practically stomping her foot.

"I'm disappointed, I don't know what else I'm supposed to say. Do you think this is the kind of life that I wanted for you? I wanted you to get married, have kids. I don't know what I did wrong," Angela said, practically wailing. She was hardwired to be dramatic, and Jane supposed that if any situation called for her to play out this tendency it was this one.

"I can still have all of that stuff, it just won't be with a guy," Jane explained, trying to be patient.

"I don't know what your father's going to say," Angela deflected. "Or your brothers. They look up to you, you know, especially Frankie."

"Frankie already knows ma," Jane sighed. This was never going to turn into a warm mother and daughter scene, so she ignored her mother's shocked expression and exited stage left.

She'd skipped dinner, sure that her mom probably hadn't even told her dad yet. Her mom was the type to want to gloss over it and pretend that it wasn't happening for as long as possible, so Jane felt safe just staying in her room and thinking over the day. Not one of the best days of her life, that was for sure, although it was without a doubt the most action-packed. She did feel a certain kind of peace in the fact that she'd faced her worst fear and come out okay.

Her mom could scream and cry and say that she was disappointed, but she was never going to be put out on the street or entirely rejected. And now her mom would never again have the kind of power over Jane that she'd always weilded. Her mom might pretend that she hadn't known, but she must have. Now they could never have a silent argument about it again. Her mom could never pretend to be chastising her for her choice of clothes or her un-girly interest in sports ever again, when now they would both be sure of what it was that they were really talking about. Jane would never again have to keep her mouth shut just because she was afraid of what might come out.

Jane toyed with her phone, moving it back and forth between her hands.

"Hello, Jane. What now?" Maura said, sighing the same tired sigh she had the last time Jane had called her.

"Nothin'. Just wanted to tell you I love you. Goodnight," Jane said, and then she hung up. She dropped the phone over to her side and stared at the ceiling. She had the craziest urge to giggle as she tried to imagine Maura's surprised expression and so she did, rolling onto her side and holding her knees to her chest.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

Jane fell asleep in her clothes, the phone still beside her on the bed. She'd been trying to wait up in the hope that Maura might call or text but she'd drifted off, exhausted and disappointed. Now she felt a tugging on her toes and before she opened her eyes she assumed it were Frankie, though in her half-asleep state she wasn't really capable of conscious thought.

"Go away," she grumbled, kicking her feet. The pulling on her toes only became more insistent. She cracked open one of her eyes and saw the outline of someone standing at the end of her bed, illuminated from behind by the moonlight coming through her window. "Huh!" she made a shocked sound and bolted upright. Her sleep-hazed mind had finally caught up to the fact that Maura was standing in her room.

"You're incredibly hard to wake up," Maura stated matter-of-factly.

"Maura? How did you get in here?" she looked around the room, trying to shake off her disorientation. For a moment she hadn't even been sure what day (or rather night) it was, but now the day's events came flooding back to her.

Maura came closer, and she felt the bed shift under Maura's weight as she sat down next to her. Maura reached out and brushed a hand over Jane's forehead, letting it come to rest on her cheek. Jane leaned into her, putting a hand on her wrist while she listened.

_Maura had stayed in her apartment for a couple of hours after Jane's call, going back and forth on how she should proceed. She'd been disturbed by what had happened between them at the library, and their argument. There was so much unfinished business between them, so much rubble that afterwards she hadn't been sure that they would ever be able to clean it all up. She'd gone home feeling despondent. But then Jane's declaration stripped everything back to the essential. She could see now they were wasting time, clinging to old hurt and fear. Jane's words had pulled a trigger in her; it was time to move forward. By the time she decided that she needed to see Jane that night, that it couldn't wait any longer, she'd grabbed her keys and ran out the door. With the decision made she felt like she couldn't waste a moment._

_She'd tried to call Jane when she pulled up outside her house. It was past midnight. _

"Dunno how I slept through that," Jane interjected, looking at her phone to see the couple of missed calls that she'd been so eagerly waiting for before she'd dropped off.

_Maura had tapped her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently. The thought of returning home empty-handed was very depressing. Logically she'd known she could just wait until the morning, but she would never be able to sleep if she went home and she might've lost her nerve by the morning. She briefly considered trying to climb up onto Jane's roof to tap on her window, but she visually calculated the height she would need to scale and deemed it impossible. She'd been staring at the front door, knowing that it were far too late to knock and that she would wake up the whole family. Just then she'd seen a figure approaching the door, and she'd squinted her eyes trying to make out if it might be Jane, but the size and shape indicated to her that the figure was male._

_She'd gotten out of the car and Frankie had turned around in alarm at the sound of her car door slamming, then demonstrated relief when he recognized her. When she'd asked if Frankie could let her in, she'd said that she needed to see Jane without further explanation. Frankie had smirked at her and held the door open, the smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath. Then she'd crept up into Jane's room and had spent the last few minutes trying to rouse her. It was raining outside, the sounds fortunately masking the noise so she wasn't worried that Jane's parents might hear._

"I'm so glad you came," Jane said, her voice wavering. She made a mental note to thank Frankie in the morning, right after chastising him for going out partying. He was too young as far as she was concerned. More often than not she considered Frankie a pain in the ass, but he had saved the day. It was all enough to make her believe in fate just a little bit; first the way she always seemed to run into Maura when she most needed to see her, and then his coming home when Maura had probably been just about to give up.

"I couldn't stay away," Maura said honestly. She bent down and kissed Jane's lips, and Jane's stomach dropped. Maura was kissing her lightly, their lips barely touching. Jane's mouth felt sensitive and raw - like there were sparks going off way out of proportion to how lightly Maura's lips were resting against her own.

"Can we start over?" Jane asked, one of her fists grasping Maura's shirt. "I don't like the way I acted yesterday. I feel like I always screw things up around you. I don't know why I do it . . . maybe its just cos I want it so much."

"Wait, we need to talk," Maura stopped her. Jane watched as she took off her shoes, her heels dropping softly on the floor. She came around the other side of the bed, lying down to settle next to her.

Jane laughed softly, Maura's displays of eccentricity had always tickled her. "Um, weren't we talking already?"

"This is the best way to converse honestly. In the dark, when you can't see the other person's face. Some people might argue that it's impersonal, but to me its like a sensory deprivation tank. There's nothing to distract from the sound of the voice you're listening to – it increases focus."

"Did you read that in a journal or something?" Jane asked, furrowing her brow. Maura had shimmied herself over closer to her and she could feel Maura's shoulder against her own. She wasn't sure that lying in a bed with Maura was the greatest thing for her 'focus', seeing as she just felt like grabbing Maura and kissing her senseless.

"No, it's just my experience. Haven't you ever been to a sleepover?" They looked across at one another and Jane could make out enough of Maura's face to see that she were smiling. "Look up at the ceiling or it doesn't work," Maura directed her sternly.

"You were looking at me!" Jane argued.

"Maybe I was. Anyway, I believe I owe you an apology. I did some reflecting tonight and I've concluded that you were right to be angry with me. I'm sorry that I made you feel used – it was never my intention. When it comes to you, as I keep demonstrating I just really can't help myself."

"I'm that irresistable, huh?" Jane cracked, putting her hands behind her head. She had to admit it felt good having Maura apologize to her for a change. She had become used to always being in the wrong lately; it was a nice change of pace.

"Yes. You are," Maura said bluntly. "And although I was telling myself I've just been cautious with you, I suppose I was trying to punish you a little bit by avoiding giving you what you wanted. I'm not proud of it."

"We've both done lots of stuff we're not proud of I'm betting," Jane said, reaching out to take Maura's hand and squeeze it, rubbing her fingers over the silky skin. "So are you with me? Let's wipe the slate clean once and for all. Please?" She was hanging on for Maura's next words with her fingernails, holding her breath.

"Did you mean what you said to me?" Maura asked tentatively.

"Yes. I love you," Jane said, putting everything she could into the words, needing Maura to understand that it was the truth. She'd never meant anything so much in her life.

"In that case then I can tell you that's what I came here to ask you for. A fresh start. I've had enough of this push-pull, back and forth. If we do this I want it to be for real. No settling scores, no special conditions, no more talking. Let's just do it."

"Why, that's very forward of you Maura," Jane teased, trying to hide her anxiety. She was thrilled at Maura's words but her heart was still beating very hard. "But aren't you forgetting something?"

"What am I forgetting?" Maura asked blankly. "I feel like I can't be much clearer with this proposal."

"Did I say it too soon?" Jane blurted out, her fingers tightening around Maura's. "I mean . . . did I say I love you too early for you? Would you prefer it if I backed off a little?"

"Oh. No, I love you too," Maura replied. "I'm sorry, I got preoccupied with closing the deal so to speak. Wait, let me do it right." Finally she turned onto her side, moving to lie so that she was looking down at Jane's face. "I'm in love with you," she said, and Jane smiled up at her, her mouth trembling. They sealed it with a kiss, melting into it, Jane taking Maura by her shoulders.

There were so many promises to make – so many words on each of their lips – but they refrained from saying them out loud. It was better to just let it be, like Maura wanted. Instead they let their bodies to the talking. For once they were able to just be with one another; no rushing, no fear that when it ended the spell would be broken and they would have to go back to their separate loneliness. They stripped one another slowly, exploring each piece of exposed skin as though seeing it for the first time.

They kept returning to one another's mouths, every now and then whispering words of sweetness, things that they'd had to keep inside.

At last Maura was exactly where she wanted to be, feathering kisses over Jane's inner thighs.

"Wait, wait," Jane stopped her breathlessly. Maura moved upwards and looked at her with concern.

"Is there something wrong?" Maura said, pushing Jane's hair back, cupping the side of her face.

"I've never . . . um, you know," Jane hinted. It took a while but she watched as the penny dropped and Maura's face showed understanding. She didn't know why she'd felt the need to stop Maura – it wasn't like there was any way she would ever know. But she wanted to tell Maura everything.

The truth was that she had been with plenty of girls. She had been on the giving end of this particular act more times than she could count, but whenever she had gotten close to having a girl perform on her she'd pushed it away. She couldn't explain why except to say that it always felt like too much; she felt to exposed to let go and enjoy it. It wasn't something she'd ever told anyone before – not even Lauren. It wasn't even something she'd really thought too much about; but now it seemed significant.

"It's okay, we can do whatever you want," Maura soothed her, then to Jane's amusement she started to seem impatient. "Do you want me to be the first?" Maura prompted her.

"Um, yep. I really do," Jane replied.

And when she felt the sensation of Maura's tongue she covered her face with her hands, because it was the most intense _goodness _she'd ever felt. When she came it was with a rush of light before her eyes, and the only part of her body that existed was the part that was now intimately connected with Maura's mouth and fingers.

When they had taken their fill of one another - for now at least - they lay in one another's arms. Jane was lying on her back, Maura rested in the crook of her arm with a leg wrapped around her. She kissed the top of Maura's head and stroked her hair, feeling Maura's soft hand playing over her stomach. Jane started to drift off with an unfamiliar sense, one that took a few moments for her to name. She felt utterly at peace and loved.


End file.
